Going out of my mind on a Thursday night. About to go into EQ for a bit to keep a promise to a friend. That’s one thing that I do: I keep promises. I keep commitments. If I give my word then I try to stand by it to the end of the pact or until the other party breaks the deal. As smiley and as evil as some have accused me of being over the years, in my heart I’m an honest person and I keep my word to the best of my abilities.
Tonight I need to stand by a friend who is going through the most difficult time in that friend’s life. I made a vow to stand by this person years ago. I gave my promise, I’m keeping my promise, and it hurts to be honest with you. I never imagined that by making a vow I’d be in a position to be hurt by keeping my word. I don’t really know how to react. I don’t know really what I should do. I mean a lot is changing and a lot is really screwing me up right now.
I’m pondering to myself if I should break my vow. I’ve never purposely walked away from a vow before, but between pain and vows, what’s going to be the first to give? I mean I’m not sleeping. I fall asleep at 2 am and I’m up with a nightmare at 4 am. Back in bed by 6 am then up at 8 am. I’m not napping. I’m so hurting and so mixed up right now that I’m not going to be moving forward for quite a long time.
What’s worst of all is that every time I deal with this person or just hang out with this person from now on I’m going to be in pain or reminded of pain. It’s not hate, it’s not difficulties or feeling weird about them, it’s not anything more than pain right now. On the other hand I gave my word and I pledged a bond that I can’t break. If I do I’m not a good person. I’m pond scum. I really would be. I’d be abandoning a friend who was up front with me, who was truthful with me, and who hurt me, but in hurting me took a chance that they might not ever have again. It’s that serious.
So here I sit on this Thursday night, Survivor a fading memory. I’m weighing the consequences of both sides. I’m thinking about the pain and I’m thinking about the ease of walking away. I’m thinking about the hurt I’d cause and how bad both of us would feel if I went. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve got to wake up and make up my mind and stick with whatever decision I make because it’s been a week and I’m seriously messed up. I know that it’s a decision that has to be devoid of chance or luck; I can’t flip a coin, I can’t draw straws to make it. I have to do some serious thinking and come up with it on my own.
That’s the hardest thing of all.