I’m at home and I’m cranking the Barenaked Ladies “Brian Wilson.” Not sure why.
It’s rainy and it’s crappy out, unnaturally dark for a spring afternoon. It feels like it should be warmer, like a rainy summer day in Baltimore where the heat and humidity can bake you even though the rain is falling in buckets.
I’m about to watch ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ for the second time. It’s a very twisted movie about a man who decides to erase a girlfriend from his memories after she does the same. I’ve often thought of doing that, I mean I have BAD memories of past loves that went SO wrong that I kind of cringe when I revisit those times.
Late at night, alone, lying in bed, watching something especially naughty on TV when that person pops into your head. You try and try to get them out of your head (after not thinking about them for years) and you can’t and you swear and you stop or finish whatever it was you were doing, then spend the rest of the night creeped out because they’re back in your thoughts if only for 5 fleeting moments while you were lonely. You spend the next couple of days wondering about them, comparing them to the current love of your life, and wondering if it’s a sign that everythings not going okay.
If you dare call them, things might get weird. Better off doing a google search to see that … oh, got married, new baby. Great. Found the love of their lives and went on without you. They’re somebody’s parent now. Probably best just to let them go. Or worse, you make the call, set the meeting and realize that time hasn’t aged them well. All those memories of the sexy young thing that haunted your dreams the other night come crashing down as age and gravity have taken their toll.
Life sucks sometimes. So does aging. Live for today, you think, then you go about your life as normal until it repeats and you think of someone else.
I’m tired. I’m tired of living like that. I’m tired of tracking people down and restarting things that obviously weren’t working because they didn’t last. I’m an optimist with a wicked pessimistic streak. I know it’s not worth it, but I feel so great and so giddy and so wonderful to reconnect that I forget myself and meander into things.
I’m also kind of puzzled that people vanished from my life as soon as I got laid off the other month. “Oh, you’re my friend while I have a job, but as soon as I need you you decide I’m just an unemployed loser? Great.”
I must admit that I’ve been enjoying the time not working. I have a big payoff coming in a month or two. More than I made on my job last year. I might have a good start on getting my life in order. So I’m not messing it up by jumping back into the work force and killing myself when I obviously don’t have to for a little while.
So life is harsh as I think forward to another couple of weeks and a trip to parts here and there. I’m actually getting out of the house and it should be neat-o. Which ends my rant on everything this afternoon.
Enjoy your day.