Holiday Blahs

I have a headache. The temperature in my room got down to 65 degrees last night so I was having all sorts of dreams of malls and babysitting. I’m so afraid right now.

There’s nothing on TV yet. I’m going to watch the all day marathon of Discovery Channel’s ‘the Deadliest Catch’ once it starts, but it is still too early. Right now all that’s on are paid programming specials on all the channels I tend to frequent.

So I’ve turned to TIVO. Again, slim pickings. I don’t know WHO they’re programming my 200+ DIRECTV channels for lately but it sure isn’t me. The only thing left on it is a Discovery channel program from last night on tiny ancient humans.

You know what? When the movie ‘Jurassic Park’ came out years ago there was one fault — the Raptors in the movie, you know those packs of demented hunting and killing machines — weren’t actually real dinosaurs. They were something the author made up. It wasn’t until about a year after the movie came out that scientists found a partial skeleton of something that resembled a Raptor and ta-da! They took the reality from the movie and applied it to this animal (before anything else was known about it), and ta-da! Packs of intelligent raptors roamed the world in ancient times.

It pissed me off.

Now. Now about a year or so after the last ‘Lord of the Rings’ movies came out (the actual discovery shortly before the last movie was released), they found a race of three foot tall humanoids on the same small island that was home to a tiny elephant-type creature. What are they dubbed?

HOBBITS!

That’s right, every other word out of the narrator’s mouth is “Hobbit.” Hobbit this, Hobbit that, the Hobbits were everywhere! Well, everywhere on this tiny island somewhere out in the Pacific, cut off from the rest of the world and sure as heck not running around in Europe and England as JRR Tolkin described.

It just bugs me that science tends to whore itself out for movies like this. While they’re not going to the lengths that the scientists did with the Raptors years back, it’s still pretty lame and bugging me. I mean what next? ‘Star Wars’ was set “a long time ago…” so maybe they’ll find some sticks with resin on them and have proof that our ancient ancestors had light sabers! Or better yet, they’ll check DNA records and find that a leather-jacket clad Italian guy named Fonzerelli knocked up a ton of women in the 1950’s and suddenly ‘Happy Days’ was based on REALITY! ‘My Favorite Martian’? Well Bill Bixby was kinda weird looking, maybe just maybe if we dug up his body…

Make it stop. I have a headache. I want a cookie. Just make the day go away and give me my endless coverage of the Michael Jackson trial again.

Speaking of that… Is there anyone out there who actually thinks he’ll be convicted? The only people who seem to think that are the commentators on CourtTV. Everyone else seems to point to a hung jury or an all out acquittal. Not that no one actually believes he DIDN’T molest all those boys, it’s just that the government botched the case so badly that it would take an act of god to bring him to justice. Add the fact that he’s freaking Michael Jackson and prosecutors knew that they had to bring out their NBA All-Star Squad game in order to get a conviction. The slimeball defense team is all-star, why not bring the all-stars out for justice?

And think of his life in prison. No more armbands. No more plastic surgery. No more inappropriate dancing on top of SUVs or drugging little boys with alcohol in order to “show them not to go insane.” I just wish the charges were pressed in Arizona in the jurisdiction of Sheriff Joe Arpaio, you know the nut who makes the prisoners wear pink underwear and ancient striped suits and live on bread and water. Can you imagine Michael Jackson in that environment? His nose would fall off again and the Sheriff would tell him to suck it up and tape it back on with some masking tape.

But you know what? If he’s convicted he’ll be more popular than ever (well, more popular than he is now, since he’s kind of a joke right now). His nutty followers (bused in and paid for their services), would hold daily vigils outside of his prison any time cameras are going to be there and I’m sure his need to be a victim will be appeased on a regular basis by large men who will molest him with more vigor than he did any 10-year-old. Maybe that will be “Justice for Michael.”

k9