I’ve spent most of the last week doubled over in pain. I don’t share this often with more than my closest friends, and even then it’s a select few who know when things are really bad. A few years back I was diagnosed with a diverticulitis-like condition. It was nothing but a pain in the side and some discomfort when it started. Over the years it’s progressed to a pain in my lower back which puts pressure on the base of my spine and it makes walking, breathing, sleeping, eating, and rational thought difficult. I was a grumpy-butt on Facebook all week and I didn’t mean to be. I’m still repairing the damage done this week and I should have known better just to sign out and take time away while this was going on, rather than deal with things like this.
The worst came when the bed was hurting and I decided to sleep on the floor. This is the most colossal mistake I can ever make. Lying down is the enemy when I have a flare up. I tend to want to stay in front of the computer rather than get in bed because while sleeping is usually good, when I get up, the pain is so bad that I need help from whatever I can grab on to to actually move and get myself standing. Deciding to sleep on the floor was dumb because, uh, yeah, when you sleep in bed you can put your legs down over the side of the bed and help stand yourself up, when you’re on the floor… whoops. I ended up having to half climb up the treadmill to get on my feet and it wasn’t one of my best moments. I didn’t take time off from work because I never take time off from work and other than grumpiness, none of you probably know that something was seriously wrong this week.
When I get hurt I get angry and I get silent. I’ve learned not to draw attention to myself because the last thing anyone wants to deal with is the never ending whining of a person in pain. They just don’t shut up and everyone gets uncomfortable around them (or annoyed by them), so this will be my first and last blog post about it. It hurts, it sucks, I don’t have insurance so it’s not being treated properly (though chugging water and fiber tablets goes a LONG way to helping), and thankfully it only happens a couple of times a year. I’m already standing up like a real human being (and not some version of Mr. Magoo), I’ll be better next week.
I’m getting tired though. It’s not the condition, it’s a lot of things going on. I set two goals for the year. Neither are going to come true at this rate. It seems like I’m hitting brick wall after brick wall with the one, and the second is a pipe dream. I’m going to have to change my approach or start looking for new dreams I guess. It’s hard because you put so much time and effort into things and can get so close only to have the same people deny you time after time. You ask yourself if there’s a problem with you, but even after changing, growing, developing new skills and new idea and helping to help without expectation of credit, the reaction is always the same. At a certain point the light bulb goes off and you have to realize it’s not YOU, it’s THEM. If they don’t have the capacity to accept, if they don’t have the capacity to change, if their way of doing things is the ONLY way and is UNQUESTIONED, then is it worth the fight?
I know what the 20 year old me would have said but it’s the 41 year old me that we’re dealing with now. He’s tired. He’s in pain. But most importantly, he’s tired of seeing people he cares about make the same mistakes and knowingly or unknowingly hurt people over and over and either not care or tell him to move on if “you’re not happy with the situation.” Moving on isn’t the answer. The problems don’t go away and people still get trampled. If your only answer is to cast out dissenting opinions, then everything fails.
Sometimes I think the world needs a shot of common sense. But what do I know? I’m the silent one.
The door is always open to compromise or clearing the air but this hobbled Jim Jim can barely move.
Going back to writing comics now. Two week deadline for 40 pages.