I’m in the middle of something now. Not sure what, not sure why or how but I’m making significant changes in my life again. Or at least trying to. I’m trying to find focus and some balance. Trying to make sure work (including my “real job” and all the other stuff I do), isn’t a 24/7 gig any more and you know what? It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
There’s coming a point where “work” has to end and I have to tune things out. It’s very hard to do that these days. I’ve been essentially working from home since 1993 and in those many years of work I’ve been accustomed to being online and being in the know almost every waking hour. I’ve had jobs where it was required and I’ve had jobs where it was “required” and it’s become so much a part of my life that even though my roles have been greatly reduced over the years I haven’t been able to let go.
Yesterday was a wake up call. I’ve been miserable with a situation in my life for over a month now. Anxiety, depression, just waiting for things to go wrong in my time away from the computer and feeling like I have no control over things. I had a craving for BBQ flavor chicken from KFC. We used to have it all the time when I was a kid (and before my phobia to eating anything with bones still in it), and it was a great and messy little meal. My mom was already going to KFC so I asked her if they had BBQ chicken. She didn’t know so I looked at the menu on their web site. They didn’t list it. So I did my usual thing and googled it and it turns out that while they’ve had honey BBQ flavor chicken, they haven’t featured just plain old BBQ flavor chicken since the early 1990s. I was in shock. I mean, seriously, WTF? We don’t eat KFC that much but how can someone like me (Mister Internet) be so out of touch?
Worse yet, I had asked her for a bag of Doritos when she went to the store. I can’t really have Doritos because of my diverticulitis. They’re a rare thing around here because they can make me very sick. It’s a shame because they were a big part of life when I was a kid. I remember they were messy. There was enough seasoning on them (and every knock off tortilla chip) that you’d get orange fingers from eating Doritos. But Doritos today? Nothing like I remembered. No mess, no fun, no flavor, no life. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
I got on twitter. Someone I follow was at the New York City Comic Con and noted that you can no longer just go to the door and buy tickets to the show. All tickets are sold in advance and have RFID tags embedded in them to tie them to your account. So in 2014 in the greatest city in the world you can no longer just buy a ticket and go to a Comic Con the day of the show. I asked about it and the gal I followed said that it was to prevent counterfeiting. Wow. Just wow. When did the dinky comic cons of my youth turn into something that people actively counterfeit? Seriously. WTF.
Where have I been? I feel like Buck Rogers in the 21st Century. I haven’t been out of the house to a movie in over a year since Jesy didn’t visit this year. I haven’t gone out to anything I used to enjoy (pro wrestling shows, comic cons, etc.) in nearly a decade. A friend who is like a daughter to me is going to be in Ohio in the coming weeks and then maybe Maryland and when she told me I had immediately ruled it out because I can’t really afford to be out of touch for that long from work (12 hours on the road for a day one trip, 6 for a day another). So I’m going to miss seeing someone I love like a daughter because I feel like I’m drowning when I’m away from the computer and work. Not good.
I haven’t actively played video games in years. That’s another thing. I have 120 games on Steam now. I think I have 30 installed and I’ve actually played 3 of them. My Xbox 360 is filled with games that I’ve never played. My Xbox One has half a dozen games now that I haven’t played. Why? Because I get 10 minutes into a game and my IM dings and I’m drawn out of the game. I end up quitting and addressing whatever is going on at work or in my personal life that has popped up that needs my attention at the moment. I mean, Evil James comes up to watch movies and play video games and I’m sitting here on the computer. We used to have so much fun playing games together and now I can’t do it. My attention has been focused elsewhere.
So… if I’m a little out of touch from now on, that’s just what’s going to happen. When I’m not scheduled to work, I’m not going to be thinking about work. If it’s urgent and you really need me, I’ll be there, but otherwise, I need to find that balance because I’m tired of losing years with nothing to show for it.
On that note, I’m outta here.