I’m finishing a shift then waiting up for schedules to be posted tomorrow so I can grab extra hours and round out my schedule.

Right now I have a headache. I also have hunger pains, which I haven’t had in the longest time. I’ve managed to keep up with the “no eating other than full meals after 6pm” thing and it’s going okay. Though I’m starving now and my legs hurt from doing the treadmill for three days in a row. But they’re supposed to hurt. I’m supposed to be hungry and if I’m ever going to stop whining and start losing weight it’s time to accept that.

I’ve been really anti-social this week on top of things. I don’t know if it’s because my folks are off visiting my sister again, the major changes in my life, or the new weight-gain-prevention program I’ve started, but I just don’t feel like talking. I’m blogging, sure, but blogging is like a letter to no one. I’m not interacting by doing this, I’m just jotting down whatever is on the top of my head at this moment in time. I’m like a goldfish, I instantly forget it, but it’s good to get out my thoughts so I don’t drive myself nuts.

I should be writing people back this weekend since I have messages waiting for me in Owned and a long letter from an ex-girlfriend to respond to. No biggie there, just a “how you doing?” note from her. I can’t really respond by saying “hey, life sucks right now and I don’t really want to talk about it” so lol I’ve got to be creative and get off my ass and write.

Evil James is visiting tomorrow so at least we’re going to kill things on Xbox 360 AND on Intellivision if I can get the controllers to work. Space Armada, here we come!

On that note, still waiting for schedules. Tomorrow starts in 6 hours.

…the 7 year old wants THESE for my birthday. LOL.

Well day one is here. When I worked at the store, I bought a single cup cheerios themed plastic bowl to measure out cereal with. I had never used it and decided to put it to use this morning by measuring out my 1 cup of Total Cinnamon Crunch, which, right now, is the most awesome cereal in the world. I like it so much that I’ve been over eating it and thus, the need for the bowl. It’s got too many vitamins and calcium to screw with on my own snacking time.

Speaking of, for the past week I’ve stopping snacking from 6pm to 6am. If dinner is delayed, yeah, I’ll eat dinner after 6pm, but otherwise I’m trying hard to stop the empty calories coming in. I refuse to count them. I refuse to be one of “those” people because frankly, I can’t live like that. I’m going to eat what I’m going to eat and if I have to count every calorie then you may as well shoot me in the head right now. I can’t do it, won’t do it and will tell you to F off if you try to make me do it.

I got on the treadmill for the first time in ages today. I don’t work out. I always think about it this time of year, but as soon as the cold hits, I get lethargic and say screw it and forget about it. So anything I’m going to do has to be easy and has to be something I can stick with no matter what the climate is. The treadmill is something I can do. I have to shut off life, I have to put some sort of radio show on, and I have to fight my probable ADD in order to stay on the thing for a half hour at a time.

I’m honestly surprised that I didn’t have a heart attack today so I guess it’s a good sign.

But I’m hungry. I had total for breakfast, a microwave meal for lunch and a microwave meal for dinner. And I’m not giving in.

But oh that bowl of total would be so good right now…

Razzlefrazzle.

Today is a fairly light day for me. I’m only working two shifts so I intend to catch up on sleep and do a lot of small projects that I’ve been putting off.

My parents are gone for a week so my stress levels are way down. I don’t have to worry about my dad and getting him to appointments and my mom isn’t in the kitchen putting the dogs out 5 times and hour then ignoring putting them in to play a video game on her computer. The past 24 hours have been heavenly for that reason.

Yesterday the FAA’s flight plan computers were out nationwide so they almost didn’t leave the airport. They pulled away from the terminal only to have the plane get stuck on the runway in line for about an hour while the mess was sorted out. The computer that controls flight plans nationwide went down so traveling was a nightmare. On top of it all, my mom lost her cell phone in her bag and only quick thinking by my niece (who called it) saved my mom from totally freaking out.

Traveling with my dad to Seattle to see my sister is a twice a year thing for her. Doing anything with my dad takes a lot of patience. Besides his real problems, my dad has phantom problems. If he sees anything on TV about a certain physical ailment or disorder, he’ll start to take symptoms from that ailment or disorder and add them to his problems. He also has to over do everything in order to get attention. From exaggerating things (stubbing his toe equates breaking a leg), to faking things (we’ve been in the emergency room 50+ times for phantom heart attacks), to simply having to pee every 23 minutes on the nose. Doing anything with him brings a lot of stress.

He had a breakdown when he was roughly my age and he gave into his problems from there. He stopped working and has been this way since 1987 or so. There’s not a thing you can do to change him because change brings about drama and drama puts him right back where he is now. He soaks things in like a sponge.

I don’t mean to be critical of my dad. I know he’s gone through a lot, but, at the same time, he’s reverted to a child like state a lot of the times and it’s difficult to deal with.

I’m worried now because I am at that age where everything went downhill for him. Life hasn’t been the best for me over the past year and in the past couple of weeks I’ve been smacked in the face with changes that I HAVE to make or else I’m going to have a downward spiral like he did.

I’m coming to terms with how much weight I’ve gained since quitting the store. It’s at least 20 pounds. It was expected. I went from working two jobs, one of which where I was on my feet for 6 to 8 hours at a time, to fighting for hours at a single job where my day consists of going from bed to chair, bed to chair and bed to chair. I know I’ve been stress eating a lot. I know my soda intake is through the roof. I know I’m doing nothing that “does a body good” and now I have to take steps to stop everything I’ve been doing and change things.

My weight has always been fairly stable and getting on the scale yesterday was a complete shock. I don’t like my body right now. I don’t like the situation I’m in right now. I’m stressed out of my mind and I have to take steps to change things.

One big thing I’ve started to do is cut out the stress eating. My schedule is so screwy that I get hours when I can get hours. Sometimes that means working from 3am one day off and on until 2:30am the next. I’ve done those shifts twice in the past 5 days. The way things are scheduled at work, we’re there for a few hours, off for an hour or two, back on and off and on and off. Often there’s only 30 to 60 minutes between major shifts. So you grab sleep where you can. I’m one of the few who is willing to kill himself for 40 hours and right now I don’t know how much longer I can go beating myself up for hours. It’s just not healthy, but it’s a job and you do whatever it is you can do to keep your job in this day and age.

Today I’m breaking out my mom’s treadmill and just seeing how it works. I can’t promise more than that. I’m not making big speeches are screaming “I WANT ATTENTION!” I’m just doing what I can do quietly to make this mess I’m in go away.

Hopefully it works.

Ugg.

This is the start of a new week and a new life of sorts for me.

It’s the usual here. I’m sitting in my boxers and tshirt because I barely made a late late late shift on time. I literally opened my eyes and ran out of bed to get here. I’m not sure where my sweat pants are. I grabbed them, but uh, right, they’re probably somewhere between here and there.

I’m killing myself to get as many hours at work as possible, so I’m doing any hour that appears on the swap board. It’s not that I’m greedy, it’s just that I have a lot of things going on from now until the end of the year and I need money to fund everything.

I’m not rehashing the week though. It was tough enough living through it. One thing I’ve learned is that every piece of bad news can’t be dwelled upon. You have to assess it as it comes in, cry if that helps, then immediately have a counter action or something to get you out of a pending rut. I don’t believe in standing still, I don’t believe in lingering, assess, move on and try to fast forward from a low to a high.

That’s just me, if that hasn’t convinced you that I’m crazy, I don’t know what will.

I just can’t take the lingering. The day in and day out stuff that comes with it. I can be whiny but you won’t hear me go on and on about that lunch box filled with Star Wars cards my mom threw out when I was 15 that probably would have been worth a mint (let alone the vintage ‘Playboys’ that she trashed in the same move!), if they were still around. Sure it would have been nice, but lol, life’s too short to whine or to be THAT guy who will never shut up about the bad things that have happened.

So now, shift is over and I’m heading to bed, probably will dream about those glorious men’s mags (with girls dressed in a ‘Star Wars’ theme) as I toss and turn until my next shift.

Take care.