Today is the Greatest ...

I don't know how to sum up the day. So I'll just list.

I couldn't sleep last night because I had to be up at 6:30AM so I could get a shower in and be ready to take my dad to the doctor.

His doctor's appointment was at 7:45AM. He insisted on being there at 7:30AM.

I woke up, got out of bed, noticed one of the cats got sick in the middle of the floor in the computer room and was acting weird, got my shower, then ran outside to warm up the car in sub-zero weather.

My dad gets in the car, we get there by 7:29AM.

I sit in the car with the engine running since it's supposed to be just a quick in and out.

He comes out at 8:55AM. The doctor didn't even see him at all until 8:15 and made him sit alone until 8:50AM when she said he was free to go.

The last time I waited for him, I didn't have the engine running and ran down the battery of the car I was driving to the point where it wouldn't start. This time? I get a fuel light. That's right. I went from over 1/4 of a tank remaining to the point of needing fuel now or dying.

I get him home, get gas, get to my appointment. My blood pressure is normally 120/90. Today? It's 145/84. I was waiting on my blood pressure med to be refilled at the pharmacy so I hadn't had a pill yet. So the top number is bad since I'm stressed and had been sick, but the bottom number, damn, that's BETTER than normal.

Go to the grocery store, they have one of my meds ready but not the blood pressure one. The also don't have one of my dad's meds. I also end up paying $40 for pre-paid Mexican food that I would have been better off paying $20 for at taco bell.

Rush home, get to work. I can't think. End up clocking out 3 hours ahead of schedule. My dad had to go back to the doctor, then they change their minds and want him to come back tomorrow morning since the pharmacy is refusing to give out his second med. I crash in bed.

Slept for an hour and a half. Sign on and get more bad news from a friend of mine that made me very very angry. Usual stuff, promises broken and instead of being the nice guy that I normally am about it, I just log out of WoW and pretty much give up on the night.

I'm stressed out of my mind. Little things have bigger consequences now. I really don't know how much more I can take before I completely lose my mind. That's an honest to god fact. I'm miserable and it's only getting worse. Something has to change and I really don't know how to change it.

All I can do is sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

-- k9
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Monday Night Stuff

I have a headache. I overdid it today. I know, I know, everyone has the tale of doing something impossible uphill both ways through the snow. I actually did do something uphill one way though the snow today and it took all my energy out of my body. Hauling wood, the usual story, I was dumb enough to try to get the big heavy cart through the snow up a hill instead of taking piece by piece up the hill and stacking them in the cart.

I have to be on the road at 7-something-AM tomorrow. My dad has a 7:30AM doctor's appointment. I'm not entirely sure, all I really know is I'll be in the car driving long before I should normally be up. I probably should be getting in bed NOW but I'm not ready yet. I haven't wound down and my brain is a little out there.

Not taking recent news well. Have a countdown left too before I can say anything. Just feeling a little helpless because I can't do anything. It's not a matter of being agressive and moving forward, it's a matter of waiting out until things are okay then moving on with my life. Get my crap in order and all that.

I don't like change and I'm faced with a situation where nearly everything in my life *has* to change. So there. Future in down, wish I drank, because I'd rather be loaded than facing reality right now.

-- k9



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Details, Details

It is Sunday night and I officially have a coldish thing. My head is spinning and I spent some time in bed this afternoon. I'm already tired of cold and flu season. I was sick for a couple of days the other week, and now I'm sitting here trying to avoid a cold.

As you probably can see, I'm rotating some stuff in and out on my front page. I don't want my personal blog to be the focal point of the index page's text any more, so I'm doing the occasional tech tip there instead. I know a month has flown by already since I've updated, doing more as I can. Things haven't been very good here, obviously, but lord knows how things change.

I'm pretty much determined to end the comic strip here at the end of episode 30. I won't be tackling the move to G4, because, let's face it, even my spin on things can't make that funny. It was a mess, it was a disaster, it was G4 pissing on the fans. Not even god can save that network, which is saying something because TechTV was SO bad before the move that you'd think they were going out of their way to piss off the fans. Then G4 comes along and admits it.

I'm also getting tired of fan mail from fans of G4 informing me that Sarah Lane's the greatest thing since sliced bread but she doesn't host 'the Screen Savers' (based on something seen in an old strip), two new people do. One of them (Brandon somebody) was a TechTV refugee no one can remember and the other is apparently his no-talent (IMODO) girlfriend. I caught five minutes of the new show the other week and changed the channel. Same old suckiness but with less and less tech every day. And more Sarah Lane. If I have nothing good to say about someone, I probably should keep my mouth shut, therefore she's banished from my blog. Good riddance.

If the show pulls in more than a .01 cable rating, someone has made a deal with Satan.

There have been calls to bring back Leo Laporte. Well, gosh darn it, forget that idea. The show is dead. Live with your memories. Go back and read old strips and relive the good old days. It will never be the same and there's no hope for it or the channel. Geeks no longer are "hip" even on G4TechTV.

That's kind of sad.

-- k9
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I've Lost It ... Again

Okay, so I'm in World of Warcraft (WoW) on my holder character tonight. A level one dwarf. I use him at the in-game auction house (a sort of ebay lite for game money) since I got into a debate last week with a guy who subsuqently bad mouthed my main character everywhere for what he said was "price fixing" (yes, in an electronic game).

My holding character is named "Spazpants," and like most of my blow-off characters, I role play him a little bit. Roleplaying in itself is a lost art in these massively multiplayer games. People just don't do it. They'd rather treat it like a first person shooter like 'Doom.' They get frustrated and bored when people *try* to roleplay so most people don't.

Anyway, my Spazpants is role played as a level 1 who is lost in the city. He's hanging around the auction house because he has no way of getting home. He's a rube, a country bumpkin and the only redeeming thing I can say about the character is that he picks the most beautiful girl in the game (or around him at the time) and bows before her (beauty) before logging out.

Tonight, mind you -- being high on cold pills -- I brought Spaz in. Someone was advertising female strips offs for a gold piece. Yes, they wanted to have a contest for female characters (90% of which are played by guys), to take their in-game clothes off and dance around for money. Of course, only guys showed up and most of the guys had no problems taking their clothes off for free! Go figure.

I found one character by the bank who claimed to be a "real girl" and promptly disrobed. She was dancing around in her underwear and I stared and stared and stared for a whole three minutes before I realized that if I really wanted to see this (and I hadn't shelled out any money), I could just create a female character and make her do this whenever I wanted to.

That's when Frankie Goes to Hollywood's 'Relax' came on my mp3 player. That's it. I need help. I'm watching computer girls dance around in their skivvies. Worse yet, to naughty 80's songs (Duran Duran's 'Rio' before that was bad enough). I need to get out of the house. I need companionship of the female variety. I need to stop saying likes like "of the female variety" out loud. I'm a freaking geek and a pervert now, I guess.

I fell in love with Natalie Portman again last night. Watched 'Garden State' and she was on the director's commentary. I didn't fall in love with her (or brought my crush back) because she was swimming in her underwear in one dynamic scene, I think I brought the old crush back because she was so goofy on the commentary. Almost as nuts as I am, and that's saying something.

Wonder if she has an older sister.

Oh well, I'm going to hit some nyquil now and go to slumberland.

OH NATALIE!

-- k9

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Friday Night

Sitting in my computer chair thinking about life and listening to Pink Floyd's 'the Great Gig in the Sky' off of the 'Dark Side of the Moon' album. The song starts off with a quote, "Why should I be afraid of dying? Anytime will do. You've got to go sometime ..." As I listen to it I know I'm scared of death. I haven't lost that yet.

Times aren't good right now. I've been drawing lines in the sand with my life and saying "Hey, if it gets past this point, it can't get any worse!" Then something happens and yah, I have to draw another line. I must have counted half a dozen lines in the past month alone that were it, the big one, where life couldn't have gotten any worse, blah blah blah, yadda yadda. And it does.

The consistent thing about life is that it can consistently suck.

So I can't even talk about most of the reasons why life is to the point that if I weren't afraid of dying, I'd probably have put a gun to my mouth by now. Just to see what the next life (if there is one) would be like. I mean, honestly, have you ever been to the point where you wonder about it? Not that you'd ever do anything (and I'm too afraid to be wrong about an afterlife -- aka scared shitless that the Roman Catholic one is true -- to ever take my own life), but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could stop and just start over.

I'm at a low point and I'm putting on a brave face. I'm pretty tame all the time anyway. I live in my little fortress of solitude and even though my heart keeps getting stomped on, put that face on and keep going. It's all I know and it sucks.

Hell, I can't even say half the things that are going on right now. Which, for a diary to myself on the web, pretty much limits my ability to express my thoughts and fears in my own damn diary. So take my whines and know that there are serious things going on, not too mysterious, not earth shattering, but enough to throw everything I know and everything I thought I had based my world on into a tizzy.

It's like one of those cliches where "everything you knew has been a lie and here's the big stinking dose of the new plotline!" I wish I was kidding.

Oh well, off to see the wizard ...

k9

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