A Few Days More

So my dad was released from the nursing home yesterday. He's doing quite a bit better. You couldn't even really tell he had a stroke so that's good. The bad is that it's a reoccuring thing, he'll have another one down the line and we'll go through this again.

I've spent most of the day watching CNN and the coverage of Hurricane Katrina. As selfish as it sounds, it didn't mean a lot to me over the past couple of days. My grand father and my aunt and uncle live in Louisana outside of New Orleans but as far as we knew, they'd have sense enough to leave.

We didn't hear anything all week until this morning. My aunt Ellen tracked down my aunt Susan and they're okay. Unfortunately, my grandfather refused to leave the nursing home and made his new wife stay with him. He's 92. He got in trouble the last hurricane for doing the same thing. As far as we know no one can get to the nursing home so god only knows.

I spent part of the day trying to hunt down the recovery sites to see if anyone has him on a list of survivors. Unfortunately, everything I try has been down, even Redcross.org. Watching CNN is making me crazy and part of me wants to get in the car and drive to the area and go find the old bastard. We don't get along at all, and I hate everything he's done to destroy the family, but damn, there's got to be something to do to find him.

I know I can't do that. The only thing I can do is help out here and keep my dad sane. He said essentially that it would be my grandfather's own fault if he died for being a stubborn asshole when the police said to leave, but I do know he'll be devistated if he does wind up dead.

I made a donation to relief support today via http://hypothermia.gamershardware.com/. They're running a contest to win a computer if you donate, so I urge you to spend the $5 and take part. It's from a great site and your money will go to a good cause. If the contest is closed, I urge you to go to redcross.org and make a donation. Any cent counts right now and it's going to be a long road to recovery.

k9

Catching Up

I'd pretty much do anything to take the last week of my life back. My dad had another stroke on Sunday. It was relatively minor and he didn't actually think he had a stroke. He was going to "give it time" but I made my mom take him to the hospital anyway.

He was bad the first couple of days of the week but seems to be recovering pretty quickly. I don't actually trust his doctors because they're all in training and not full fledged doctors. He goes to a place called "Family Practice," which is across the street from the hospital and is a training facility for future doctors. Just like you don't get a great haircut at a barber's school, you don't get good doctoring at family practice.

Years back, I used to go there. I stopped because I couldn't get a break. All the little dweebie doctors would turn the conversation to my dad's afflictions and I'd never be treated for whatever was ailing me. I really hate going to the doctor anyway because of him. He's so big and so loud and so over the top in his need for attention that sometimes I slink into the shadows and let problems of my own go untreated. I don't want to be him. It is a nightmare that I don't want to think about.

My mom was supposed to be in Texas on vacation this week. She delayed leaving until we knew he was making progress. She's leaving today and will be back next Wednesday. While she's gone it is up to me to carry out the daily visits with my father. I can't tell you how much of a challenge that is. He's gloomy. There isn't anything to talk about after 2 minutes so we sit there trying to make up things to talk about until one of his bodily functions (sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom), gives an excuse to leave. We've never been close, I really dislike hospitals and it's frustrating that I have to be the caretaker again.

Plus the hospital is frustrating. It's his playing field. His conditions are so vague that he gets around the clock care. He soaks it in. All the attention he feels he should have in real life, he gets there. When he's not really sick -- and there's no question he's sick now -- often he'll fake something in order to get that attention. Part of mental illness, something I don't ever want to go through myself.

Again, facing him in the hospital is a crap shoot and it makes me go through nights like this where I'm over thinking everything. I get so freaking scared that what I am seeing in him is my future. Sometimes I see myself in his eyes or in his face. It scares me. It seriously chills me. He started to get sick in his early to late 30's and as I'm going to enter year 35, there's a strange feeling that his future is my future and there's no escape.

I'm also starting to get on myself about things that I've given up in order to stay here. Free rent and a lot of space upstairs. In exchange for being here. I know it doesn't sound too bad but it's just on my nerves right now as I face a stressful week. Tied to this situation again.

Thinking too hard for my own good.

k9

Sick

So it's Thursday morning and I'm still sick. I've been sick since Monday. Monday afternoon I needed to weed whack the area where we put the firewood for the year. It was a gas powered weed whacker and I am so allergic to grass that my doctor would cringe if he saw me out there.

I don't know a thing about gas/oil powered devices. My dad filled the gas can up with some oil then I went down to the local cheap-o mini mart to get a gallon of gas to mix it. Some of the mixture spilled in my car and I used the back of my hand to wipe it up.

I get home, I wash my hands good, then I go out and help my dad fill the whacker. Then I go out and try to clear the area. I'm hindered by the fact that the darn thing is putting out white smoke and quitting on it's own every three seconds. The grass is also so tall that it keeps getting stuck. So much for a simple job. After five minutes, it is hopeless. That's when I notice that my left hand is all puffy.

Yes, something has given me hives. An hour later I'm coughing and I'm going through the worst allergy attack I've had since, well, I found I was allergic to ginseng the other month.I've been sick since then and really haven't been aware of anything this week. The first couple of days I wasn't even up to tormenting my friend Crissy or my friend Michelle's kids. That's like my favorite thing in the world. I'm still so zonked that it isn't funny.

I have to take my dad to the dentist later so I'm going to stock up on anti-sickness stuff. My usual kit of cure alls includes peppermint and lays Jalepeno Cheddar dip. Don't ask me why but the dip really does help with my allergies. Sometimes it relieves symptoms for a couple f hours. It is fattening, sure, but it is relief and that's all that is important right now.

I have to be well by Saturday so I can go to Evil James' house I haven't had an Evil James day in a while and I'm not going to let something like allergies knock me off my feet. Or well, lol, at least not without a fight.

God save the Queen.

k9

The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

So the first 80% of my inheritance came in. On Saturday I got a car. A 1997 Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer. While it eats gas (yeoch), it comes with all the bells and whistles and has fairly low mileage for a car in that range.

I spent more money that I would like to have spent on it. I guess the value of this car comes from the insurance break we're getting for it. We were also able to trade in the ugly purple station wagon (and got $105 more for it than we would if we had junked it).

I wanted a cheap Sirius and the guy at Circuit City convinced me to get a new in-dash player. Of course it was one expense after another with the player. I was late meeting my friend Margie on Saturday because they took so long putting it in then I had to go back yesterday because the Sirius wasn't putting out any sound. Turns out one of the wires was loose.

I'm getting another batch of money this week and I'm sitting here figuring out what I'm going to do with my life. I spent a lot of money in the past two days on needed things (plus paying off a credit card), and, as usual, all of the plans I had for this went out the window as soon as I started being around people and buying things.

Cyndi Lauper had the song "Money Changes Everything" but in my case, I'm realizing that money didn't change anything. I do have a car now (which is VERY nice), but after getting things for the car, paying my mom back and purchasing a few things I needed (like a new pillow -- most of mine are 10 to 20 years old), I was still sitting around last night like I would have done before this gift entered my life.

So anyway, caught up with Margie on Saturday. We had a sit down meal and ended up going back to my hotel to wait for her friends to arrive. We had a nice dinner and a nice time just sitting and watching TV while her legion of friends called her cell phone with all the troubles in the world. She uses her phone just about as much as my mom does. It's kinda funny.

Once her friends were ready, we headed out to a club in York, PA to see a band called the Luv Gods. I've been to a couple of bars in my life but never one this packed. They had elements of Coyote Ugly (girls dancing on the stage across from the band), and lots of college kids. Lots of hot girls. I observed everything.

I'm not much of a concert person or a dancing person. But I looked around and noticed that unless they were really young, most of the white guys there nodded to the music or didn't get too out of control. Girls were dancing all over the place and going crazy, but I noticed that I wasn't the only one feeling like a big nerd.

This was the second time seeing them and the second time I spent some of the time checking out the exits and making sure we had a way out in case something happened. I don't know why I do this, probably just because I have never liked big crowds. It did come in handy because a number of fights broke out and we were able to get out of the way as security beat the hell out of a number of fighting idiots.

I got back to my hotel by 4am. I was out the door by 8:30 then had to go to the mall here on my way home to get my Sirius fixed. I was SUCH a zombie. I'm up now because I fell asleep by 10:30, which I never do, and my body usually doesn't like that so I had a nice dream of the aliens from the Alien movies that woke me up at 1:30 or so. I've been up wondering about life ever since.

Oh well, back to bed.

k9

A Little Later

I feel like I am about to have an allergy atack. So I'm read for a sneeze that hasn't come for five minutes but I know it's coming. I am starting to feel like my friend Michelle, who is a week and a half away from giving birth. She's ready for the kid to be out but the kid isn't ready to come out yet so she sits there and can't do anything with her life except get pissed off at her situation.

I went into my office, clad only in my sleeping ensemble (t-shirt and boxers) and Bubbagump immediately attacked my foot. He was lying in wait. I guess I should be honored that he only attacks me. When my niece and nephews were here, he took the first week to observe them from a post under an end table (ie. sleeping all day where no small hands could get to him), before warming up to them. He even let my niece pet him without attacking him. Me, on the other hand, I have scarred up hands for a reason. He thinks I'm food. I'm pretty darn sure of it.

So tonight I'm woozy with heartburn and a pending allergy attack. He let me off easy with just a bite on the foot. Not hard at all, just enough to say "Hey, pop, I own this room now. Pay the toll or wrassle me!" So I wrestled with him for a few moments until he got tired of it and put an end to it.

He let me trim him over the course of the last couple of days. I should have him professionally groomed since he's a long hair and he gets miserable in the summertime. I'm just afraid that he'd kill someone. Which is weird since he's apparently the sweetest little boy on earth when it comes to people who he doesn't have a fiendish plan to eat. Yes, I know I'm sounding like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes, but he's a fierce black panther who wants nothing but destruction. Honest. Why doesn't anyone believe me?

My other cat, Cat, is pretty much independant. He wants to be outside all the time. That makes snese, he was a stray for most of his life (like the thousands of feral cats who live on this former farm land), but it is weird that he's so mild mannered.

I've seen him go berserk and fight cats who invade our property. Howling and hissing and fighting with them. It scared the hell out of me when I saw him transform into king of all beasts. But five minutes later he was back to the loving purring ball of fluff that he is whenever I'm around. Again, probably plotting my demise, but we'll see. Orange cats are weird anyway.

Our third cat, Mayhem, is nearly 18 years old this year. She still acts like a kitten. She usually stays downstairs with my parents. When my mom goes on overnight trips, Mayhem comes upstairs to hang with me. She mainly enjoys her heating pad on top of my stereo. It is warm and she loves it. She's a ball of fluff and she won't pass up a chance to play by trying to take my hand off off my arm every now and then. Otherwise, since she's so small, she tends to hide out from the bigger boys since she's too little to wrestle with them.

For all my dog mannerisms, I'm not really a dog person. We have two, I pet them but it's not like a constant thing. Dogs need attention hour in and hour out. They need to be in your lap and need to be loved. Our dogs (Thor and Roscoe) are dirty and strange and set off my allergies. I feel bad for them because even when the kids were here, they didn't get a lot of attention (well neither did the cats). Because of my allergies, I can't really go out to walk them, so they're inside dwellers most of the time.

We do have fun though. Roscoe is more active than Thor (and more vocal in playing, whiile Thor won't shut up if someone rings our doorbell), so I come up with games like "got your butt" (chasing him around the kitchen) and "I can't hear you" (getting him to bark 6 times for a treat. Roscoe is a lot smarter than most people give him credit for. He's seen the ever rotating cast of animals here. he gets sad when someone goes out the door because he knows there's a likelihood that he'll never see them again.

Whene we first moved up here we had five humans, five cats, foure dogs, 2 birds, a snake, an iquana, fish, mice, lol, you name it. All the animals were my sister's. She took everything that survived with her except for the cats and dogs (we were downt to 2 dogs when she moved away), and what's left is what's left. We stil have too many animals for one person to love equally (dont' get me started, I'm still feeling guilt for not being able to give Thrashie and Iago -- both cats who died in the last year -- more time and more love), or fairly, but I'm making do as best as I an since my parents don't give a crap about them.

Okay, I've ranted enough. Time to try to face sleep again.

Be up to spell check this #$#$'ing blog in 3 hours.

k9

Oh, Joy

Another late night. I had a bunch of strange dreams then I woke up having to go to the bathroom. I have an insane amount of heartburn and I'm cursing myself for having late night Burger King. It's the damn pickles. Ugg someone just take my pain away.

It is now Wednesday. Allegedly I'm getting my trust fund money on Friday. I want nearly anything to speed up time and it to be Friday. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 48 hours and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through Friday if said money isn't there.

I have no faith I lost that some time ago. I don't trust anyone in matters of money and the only person who seems to be doing anything about anything is myself. I mean, seriously, one of my cousins (remember the eight of us wee all supposed to return our papers in order to get the money), ran off to Las Vegas and got married instead of returning his paper.

Think about that. Wouldn't $25k come in handy for newlyweds?

But no. That's my family.

I'm just thankful that I called the trust guy last week and he agreed to go forward with selling my mutual fund shares so I can end this wait. It's been three months of hell.

I want a life. I don't really want my old life back. I miss the security of having a job, but you know what? I've finally given up on going back to work with any connection to my old job. I had applied with the people who replaced us but I haven't heard anything from them in a couple of months and you know what? I'm at the point where I don't care. Going back to the way things were (at a paycut) isn't where I want to be.

I gained a partner in my business idea. I realized that I can't do it alone. I need someone in it that I'm afraid of or else I'm just going to slack and never get anything done. I may expand it with more partners (or at least people who help me track down merchandise), as it gets going but for now I found someone who scares me enough to keep me motivated.

I sort of want to escape back into the wait. Where I had nothing to do all day but visit the same 12 news sites and hope for updates. It is weird being almost to the put up or shut up point. Even with an enormous amount of money for myself I have to start thinking clearly about life and what I'm going to do for income. So now I'm up at 4am, scared of the past, scared of the future and, most importantly, scared of myself for screwing up.

Is there any other way to be?

k9

Friday Failing

I'm in a strange mood, I've been up since 5:30AM. I didn't plan on that. My body just sort of got up and my mind followed. Signed on early, saw Stef and Michelle on before 7AM, showered, went to haircut came home and sat.

Somewhere around noon the storms rolled in. Lately we've had three second thunderstorms, lots of heat, but no real rain. Well the sky opened up and we had a shower to beat all showers. Of course, that's when my dad rang the bell to tell me he ordered lunch.

So I get in the car and I'm a zombie. The rain is coming down harder and harder and my mind is gone. I feel like I should be driving hundreds of miles away from here. The music and the rain make me long to get on the road again and just drive until dawn.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Got the sandwiches and came home and now I'm just zombying out. Oh well.

k9

Thursday Night Live

So I've had an eventful day. I was up early with chest pains that turned out to be a pimple on the spot I had a biopsy on a few months back. It hurt so much that I couldn't get back to sleep.

I ended up restless so I waited until 9am and called our latest contact about my Aunt's trust to see why we haven't had any money yet. I have been checking my bank account several times a day because there's currently nothing else to fill my day except waiting for the darn money to come in.

He says the simple fact why we didn't get any money as of yet is that my cousins haven't returned their forms to release the money. He says he's giving them until monday and then he's going to sell my mutual fund shares and I should have the money by friday.

I have a million things going through my head right now. One is obvious relief. My unemployment for the year is running out very soon. I think I get two more checks and that's it. Unemployment really isn't a lot and I'm sure I should have been employed before this, but you know what? I've needed these months off. With all the crap going on in my life I just needed to take some time to think.

I've only hinted at my future plans to my mom. What she doesn't know is that I have no intention of applying for any position for a couple of months. I have an idea I am working on to make money. I don't want to jinx myself but I will say it's something I have a knack for and now that the money is coming in, I want to be able to have the ability to not go back to the grind and do something I love.

If I mess it up, I'll get a "real" job but I'm not telling my mom anything because I don't need her negative attitude. I don't need a "you can't do that" in my brain. I can and I will do that. I have to. I honestly wasn't cut out to do 9-5 and being my own boss for a while has a nice feel to it.

Wish me luck

k9

Blahing in Bed

So it's about an hour and a half before the kids leave and I'm up typing in bed again. I have a horrible headache and my stomach is doing backflips from all the garlic I put on the pizzas last night.

I managed to put the shower head in without destroying anything, sadly, my sister did her best to attempt to destroy my work. I figured out how she destroyed the previous shower head: she lets the shower's hand unit hang all the way down without any support so the kids can take showers without having to reach up. Since my nephew is afraid to turn on the water himself, there's this whole weird five minutes where it's hanging there, he's not using it, and water is spraying the whole bathroom. I always wondered about why the bathroom would be soaked after he got in there. Anyway, said weight of it hanging rips the cord and ta-da, the shower dies. She yelled at me good when I pointed that out.

She was so out of control last night that my mom was hiding downstairs in the basement. My mom never hides from ANYTHING, so, uh, the wrath of my sister was pretty powerful last night.

I will give her credit: she got rid of her friends at exactly 10pm. She didn't let them stay until midnight like she did last week. They were out the door at the stroke of 10. They sounded scared to move. It was awesome.

In my own petty news, I have a bet with my friend Crissy that I can go without e-mailing or im'ing her while she's on vacation. She says that I already lost the bet before it started the other day (which is a 9 day thing), and I say nothing. Well I start to shoot her an e-mail but then I catch myself. I want the satisfaction of sending a simple "I WIN" message next monday when she's back. That's my sole motivation and it's a petty one, isn't it? But, dammit, I'm going to win the bet.

My friend Brit turns 18 tomorrow. That's mind blowing. I've known her since TechTV chat back in 2001. She's been the one person who supports this site without fail or thinking I'm *too* nuts over the years, and I'm extremely proud of her. If you know her, drop her a line please and wish her a happy "day your juvinile record is cleared so you can be tried as an adult now." I know she'll thank you for it.

But don't ask about her criminal record. Scary stuff. Just plain scary.

k9

Somewhere in the Night

It is even earlier than ever on a Monday morning and I awoke after having a very intense dream about random things. My stomach is on fire thanks to a late night stop at Wendy's compounded by the stress of it being the last day of my niece and nephews' visit here and the unexpected news that we're going to have a house filled with people.

I have to be up in a couple of hours. The exterminator is coming first thing in order to spray a wasp's nest way up on our roof that has grown to gigantic porportions. It is like something out of a horror movie, you can literally see it from half a block away, and I know my mom is freaked because she's deathly afraid of any form of flying stinging insects.

After that I have to go to Walmart and get a new shower fixture. This should be interesting. One of the kids broke our shower head last night while I was at the grocery store. No one told me of said incident until I got home and found the shower head on the floor. I know NOTHING about plumbing and the last time we needed new fixtures I bribed Evil James to put one in. I'm kinda wishing he was here to help right now because if you remember my last entry, I've descovered that I can easily destroy ANYTHING and I don't want to see what I'm going to do to our plumbing. Dear god, save me.

Once that is finished I bought a cake and brownies for the kids to decorate for my parents' 37th wedding anniversary. I saw something like this on Queer Eye a few weeks ago where the kids get together and decorate something special for a parent. So yesterday I went overboard with frosting and toppings. I also got them a card that I'll have the kids decorate. It's not much (and no one can afford much until the inheritance comes in), but it's something special for them as a surprise.

In the afternoon? Dear lord, I got roped into cooking massive amounts of pizza for these people who are coming over. You have to understand taht I HATE people sometimes. I'm grumpy and the last thing I want to do is face a room full of people as I cook. So that's going to be interesting. Even more interesting is that I *volunteered* to do it because I'm the stupidest person on earth and I wanted to help out.

I don't know what's come over me. I spent yesterday cleaning the house and doing laundry for them as they came home from a party in New York. I even :gasp:: managed to fix or horribly clogged vacuum cleaner without destroying it! I'm nesting, make it stop.

My friend Michelle says it's because I have two pregnant women in my life and they're projecting their motherly vibes, either that or I've just finally gone insane. I don't know which one is true, I just know I have an abnormally filled day today and I really didn't want to be up in bed typing like this so early in the morning.

Yup, for real, typing on a wireless keyboard from bed now. The latest incarnation of my TV computer is lying in an armoire about 3 feet away from me. I can barely see what I'm typing on my 17" LCD monitor in the same armoire so forgive any weirdness you may see here. Without my glasses on I couldn't see a bloodly letter, so I think I'm doing pretty good like this even if I'm running out of thoughts to put down.

I'm sad that the kids are leaving. I'm pissed that my mom told me that we had a full day with them tomorrow but it turns out that they're actually leaving early in the morning. I should be happy that I did get a lot of time with them while they were here, but I miss them horribly and hate not seeing them. I'm not insane enough to move back to Seattle to be around them full time though. 15 years ago, yah, but these days I'm too old to follow the follies of youth. Plus the cost of living in a Microsoft town? Dear lord. SO SCARED.

On that note, I'm facing sleep again. Wish me luck. My stomach is going to need it. @#$#ing Wendy's late night drive up.

k9