The Ring Report TV Update 3/31/96 Vol. 1, No. 162

The Ring Report TV Update 3/31/96 Vol. 1, No. 162
(“We’re baaaaaack!”)
WWF CANADIAN CHALLENGE 3/23/96 by Joel Geraghty
WHAT YOU MISSED: Replay of the BODY DONNAS defeating SAVIO VEGA & STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN from WWF Superstars . . . The news that SAVIO and AUSTIN will go at it at WRESTLEMANIA XII, as will the teams of VADER, OWEN HART & BRITISH BULLDOG and YOKOZUNA, AHMED JOHNSON, & JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS . . . AHMED JOHNSON over JEFF “Why Am I Wearing Shower Curtains As Pants?” BRETLER with the Pearl River Plunge from WWF Superstars . . . SHAWN/BRET Ironman Match promo . . . The footage from Madison Square Garden of DIESEL hitting the UNDERTAKER, BRET HART, and finally SHAWN MICHAELS with a chair. Here in Canada, they didn’t even show the chair connecting; instead they freeze-framed it as BIG DADDY COOL lifted the chair . . . DIESEL steamrolled BARRY HOROWITZ on Raw, followed by the DIESEL doppleganger in the casket . . . ULTIMATE WARRIOR promo showing the former WWF Champion pinning RANDY SAVAGE at WRESTLEMANIA VII . . . From WWF Superstars, JERRY “THE KING” LAWLER beat AL JACKSON in the “running commentary” match where LAWLER attempted to commentate while wrestling . . . JAKE ROBERTS lost to the BRITISH BULLDOG via count-out when chasing JIM CORNETTE with the snake . . . A look at the ways that SHAWN and BRET are preparing for WRESTLEMANIA XII . . . MR. PERFECT’S interview with HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY on the golf course from last week’s Action Zone . . . The same MANKIND promo as last week . . . From Raw, FATU was bested by WWF Intercontinental Champion GOLDUST with the Curtain Call . . . . !!!

WCW World Wide Wrestling for 3/23/96 by
What you missed: The worst show of the year!   The showed opens with guess who? The man who like NEVER does a show unless it’s PPV. That’s right! That HH guy vs. Shark!! Some Lowlights: HH bounces Shark to the rope and hits him with the boot, but Shark was turning away from HH before the boot even hit him! Shark goes through the rope to the outside. HH follows him. They lock up, the ref. tries to break it up. HH shoves the ref. to the ground! Then he goes over, picks up a chair, hits Shark once in the back. Shark rolls in the ring and gets pinned. Now how do you roll into the ring then get pinned?!?! And why wasn’t HH disqualified?!?!?!? Bobby Heenan was firing up a storm about that! I agreed 100% with him. Then it’s true, like in Billionaire Ted: All people that had HH stuff on were on TV. Match was horrible. Next match was Big Bubba vs. Steve Armstrong. This was another weak match with Big Bubba winning with the Bubba Slam. It seemed like every punch that Bubba threw missed Armstrong, yet Armstrong was still hurt. Dumb match. Control Center was next, followed by WCW Motor Sports Update. Yet another horrible match was next. Men At Work, the worst tag team next to the Barrio Brothers, faced Harlem Heat. Lowlight: Stevie Ray bounced Mark Starr off the ropes and picked him up for a spine buster, but instead of slamming him down he just set him down gently. Boo! Harlem Heat win with a flying headbutt off the top rope. Next was my favorite match of the show: Marcus Alexander Bagwell vs. The REAL World’s Champion, the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair (WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!). Though it was a weak match with Flair on his knees saying “NOOOOO!!” over half the match and the other half was Flair poking Bagwell in the eyes, I still like watching Flair. Lowlight: Flair has Bagwell’s head on top rope and falls down to choke him on it like he always does. The problem was, the rope didn’t even move! Flair wins with the figure four. Control Center again. Final match, and undoubtedly the worst ending of the show that I’ve ever see on WCWWWW, was Sting vs. the Laughing Man. Lowlight: Laughing Man goes for a moonsault. Sting is in the corner on the ground. He flips backwards to the middle of the ring, waaaaaayyyy too far, yet Sting still rolls out of the way?!? Come on. Sting wins with the Scorpion Deathlock. Now for the worst ending to a WCWWWW show: Sting wins -> Here comes the DoD!!! Oh no! It’s Meng, One Man Gang, and some others. Sting getting beat up. Of course, who comes to his rescue??? That HH guy with TWO chairs. One for him, one for Sting. They go around clubbing everyone in the head, then they double hit Meng at the same time, one in the head and one in the back. Show ends on a very low note. Overall rating – Negative 4,999,998. One point for Heenan’s comments regarding HH cheating, the other point just because Ric Flair was on the show.

Next week’s show looks disappointing, unless you need a good laugh. Disco Inferno (Yeah yeah yeah yeah!) vs. Brad Armstrong, Ice Train will be there, and the main event, and I don’t know why this is even considered a main event, The Barrio Brothers vs. Sting and Luger.

WHAT YOU MISSED: DEAN MALENKO lost to J. L. when Malenko gets a roll-up reversed . . . Interview with the Alliance against Hulkamania . . . JIM DUGGAN beats BIG BUBBA with a taped fist . . . DICK SLATER beat ALEX WRIGHT, with a boot to the back of the head . . . STING & BOOKER T. interview . . . NASTY BOYS and the STEINERS fight to a no contest when LOD interferes . . . !

Announcer: Dutch Savage(17 time PNW Champion)

SLAM vs. Tackle (Mask vs. Mask): Match is joined in progress. Tackle applies a powerslam, followed by a backdrop into a cradle. 1-2-3. Tackle wins. SLAM waffles about taking his mask off and pushes the referee. Finally Sandy Barr comes out and grabs SLAM around the legs and Tackle takes off his match.

Dutch: Who is this guy?

SLAM pushes Sandy Barr who pushes back. The fans yell “SANDY, SANDY”. Finally SLAM backs off.

Interview with SLAM: “It was a miscarriage of justice. Everyone knows who I am. Don’t you remember the blond hair and pink tights? I’m Michelle Starr. In 3 weeks I’m gonna come back blond and tanned wearing my pink tights and I will put my hair up against your mask Tackle. And after I beat you, I’m gonna kiss you right on the lips.”

SLAM/Starr then tries to kiss Dutch who says “Do you go throwing kisses on me, I’ll deck ya. Get out of here!”

BodyGuard vs. Richie Magnet: This match goes back and forth for 10 minutes and ends in a time limit draw.

Interview with BodyGuard:
BG: The time limits are too short. I need at least 15 minutes to wear my opponent down.
Dutch: I thought you said that you could beat Magnet in 3 minutes?
BG:  Ahhhhhhh
Dutch: You just didn’t have enough time, eh?
BG: Right.

Billy Two Eagles vs. Col. DeBeers: Before the match starts, DeBeers grabs the house mic and says, “I’m wrestling this match under protest. I know for a fact that my opponent is HIV positive. I know for a fact that my opponent is a diseased, alcoholic. I know for a fact that he doesn’t need to wrestle since he owns part of an Indian Gaming Casino.”

Dutch just shakes his head. The match starts and Two Eagles dominates. After 5 minutes or so, Two Eagles attempts a drop kick off the top rope. At the last instant, DeBeers pulls referee Dale Wire in front of him and Wire gets caught with the drop-kick. The referee calls for the bell and disqualifies Two Eagles.

Interview with Billy Two Eagles: “DeBeers grabbed the ref. and put him in front of that drop-kick. Billy  Two Eagles is going on the war patch. I don’t care if it’s DeBeers or Wayne. I’m comin’ after em!”

Bruiser Brian & the Basher vs. Dane Andrews & Lou Andrews: Match is joined in progress. Andrews and Rush are double teaming the Basher for about 10 minutes. Basher makes the hot tag and the Bruiser destroys both. Finally, Bruiser has Andrews pinned but Andrews interferes and all 4 brawl outside the ring. Meanwhile, the ref. is counting and the bell rings at 20. Match ends in a double countout.

Interview with Bruiser & Basher:
– Most of it is unintelligible babble but I did get the following:

Bruiser: “Next week we want 2 referees”
Basher: TWO! TWO!
Bruiser: You two are little bugs, little bugs, little bugs, SQUASHED ON THE FLOOR!”

Interview with Andrews & Rush:
Rush: No one knows who you are(referring to Bruiser & Basher). You’re less than zero in The Pack’s book. Doesn’t matter how many referees you get, you’re little, cry baby, fat boys. You’re never gonna beat The Pack. Also, I don’t like the way you’re touching me. I think you’re a little bisexual. You keeps your hands to yourself.

Andrews: Dutch, got any questions?

Dutch: Are you going to accept their challenge.

Andrews: I don’t know.

– At this point the tape stops. D@mn, I screwed up again.

Next week, Billy Jack Haynes and Jimmy Snuka are coming back.

WHAT YOU MISSED: ERIC BISCHOFF claimed that “LORD” STEVEN REGAL had to be hospitalized after receiving an European Uppercut from THE BELFAST BRUISER at UNCENSORED . . . RANDY SAVAGE snapped into the Bruiser and pretty much bit on his way to a victory . . . RIC FLAIR did an interview and dissed LEX LUGER for messing up at UNCENSORED . . . Bischoff claimed that BRIAN PILLMAN canceled out on UNCENSORED at the last minute. Pillman, in his folder in the Grandstand, claimed that he never signed to be on Uncensored and that Bischoff was talking out of a certain body part . . . MR. JL faced KONNAN. During this match Eric claimed that Randy Savage was going nuts in the dressing room and trying to break things in order to get to Ric Flair. Back to the action and KONNAN eventually pulled out the win . . . THE BOOTIE MAN brought out THE BOOTIE BABE (AKA KIMBERLY) — DALLAS, if you’re out there, please come back ASAP! Kimberly needs you! The Bootie pair defeated DISCO INFERNO . . . LEX LUGER & STING defeated THE AMERICAN MALES. After the match Sting posed with the Males while Luger took the belts and went back to the dressing room . . . RIC FLAIR and THE GIANT went to a no contest in a WCW TITLE MATCH when ARN ANDERSON attacked the Giant with the chair behind the Giant and the ref.’s back, then threw the chair to THE TASKMASTER. The ref. and The Giant turned around to see what had happened and THE GIANT went nuts and chokeslammed EVERYONE in the ring . . .

WHAT YOU MISSED: The match from Raw between OWEN HART and AHMED JOHNSON which erupted into a brawl when the BRITISH BULLDOG, VADER, YOKOZUNA, and JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS joined in . . . FREE FOR ALL promo: HUCKSTER vs. NACHO MAN, and the final match of the WWF Tag Team Tournament . . . A look at the events surrounding GOLDUST and ROWDY RODDY PIPER, including a short clip of the I/C Champion on CONAN O’BRIEN and also the infamous 1984 PIPER’S PIT when Hot Rod hit JIMMY SNUKA with the pineapple . . . Another ULTIMATE WARRIOR promo, this one showing UW cleaning house at WRESTLEMANIA VIII . . . The UNDERTAKER interview from Raw . . . Brought to us by Pillsbury Pizza Pops, the SLAM JAM with DOK HENDRIX and SUNNY. After talking about WMXII, Sunny refused to give Dok his Pizza Pops . . . A special preview of the SLAMMIES, featuring a replay of the SUNNY music video. TODD PETTENGILL mentioned that CLASSY FREDDIE BLASSIE will receive a Lifetime Achievement Award . . . A promo for the WWF debut of MANKIND on Raw . . . SLAM JAM: Discussion of WMXII, followed by DOK getting the Pizza Pop all over his face courtesy of SUNNY . . . SHAWN MICHAELS training with JOSE LOTHARIO . . . From Raw, SHAWN pins LEIF CASSIDY in a four-star match-up, IMO . . . BRET HART on NEWSPORTALK, saying if he loses at WMXII, he may retire . . . Training footage of the Hit Man . . . BRET on LIVE WITH REGIS & KATHIE LEE demonstrating the Sharpshooter and chicken-wing on Regis . . . Things ended with TODD begging us to buy WMXII . . . NEXT WEEK: Footage from WMXII, FREE FOR ALL, and the SLAMMIES . . . !!!

Results from my “cousin” Benjamin K. Melszer . . .
WHAT YOU MISSED: JT SMITH attacked CHAD AUSTIN before their match with THE BAD CREW. JT walked out and it took 5 minutes for the crew to finish off Austin . . . HACK MYERS over DAMION STONE . . . BILLY BLACK & THE PUNISHER (AKA THE DARK RIDERS) beat the heck out of AXL ROTTEN after JT SMITH came out and was going to be Axl’s partner, then attacked him . . . ELIMINATORS over UBAS & ATRAIN. After the match The Elims brawled with The Dark Riders. Look for big things from the riders . . . MIKEY WHIPWRECK fell to TAZ . . . STEVE RICHARDS lost to ROB VAN DAM . . . BRUISE BROTHERS & PITBULLS brawled all over the place, Bruises pulled out the win . . . TOMMY DREAMER over THE BLUE MEANIE. Dreamer brought out Beulah while the Meanie brought out “his own personal Beulah”. The original Beulah attacked the new Beulah with a frying pan then Dreamer pinned the Meanie in 6 seconds . . . Somewhere Raven got hurt by Shane Douglas’ figure four . . . BUH BUH RAY DUDLEY over THE SUPER NOVA . . . THE GANGSTAS over TOO COLD SCORPIO & SANDMAN . . . and RAVEN used help from The Bruises, Meanie, and KIMONA WANNALEIA to get the win over SHANE DOUGLAS . . .

WHAT YOU MISSED: an interview with JIMMY HART, THE TASKMASTER & ARN ANDERSON. There was a lot of trouble in the camp around the world title . . . ARN ANDERSON put out STEVE ARMSTRONG . . . a look at WCW MOTOR SPORTS . . . “SQUIRE” DAVID TAYLOR and “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN ended with a pinfall victory for the former football star. Even though he won he still took the time to tape up his fists and attack Taylor after the bell . . . MEDUSA had some words for COL. ROB PARKER . . . PARKER & DICK SLATER had some words for MEDUSA . . . THE BOOTY MAN defeated MAX MUSCLE . . . EDDY GUERRERO put DEVON STORM away with a frog splash . . . HARLEM HEAT over THE STATE PATROL . . . LEX LUGER put out THE SHARK . . . KONNAN over PAT TANAKA . . . THE BELFAST BRUISER attacked “EARL” ROBERT EATON before the bell, then knocked “LORD” STEVEN REGAL and JIVES back to the dressing room. In the end the Bruiser used a piledriver to but out the Earl of Eaton . . . BIG BUBBA fell to THE GIANT . . . an interview with THAT HH GUY, THE BOOTY BABE & THE BOOTY MAN (please, somebody find DALLAS PAGE!) . . . THE FACES OF FEAR fell to THE AMERICAN MALES . . . STING over HUGH MORRIS . . . THE GIANT came out during STING’S interview. It was set up that HARLEM HEAT wanted their title shot on this Monday’s NITRO. Sting had agreed to it but RIC FLAIR wanted LEX LUGER, Sting’s partner, in the ring Monday night. Since Sting couldn’t wrestle w/o a partner The Giant offered to be the partner and the Stinger accepted . . . in the main event RIC FLAIR defeated DICK SLATER after WOMAN lured ROBERT PARKER back to the dressing room and the Champion defeated his elderly opponent . . .

QUICKIE RESULTS: Went to the show with my friends Ben & Kevin again. Got there early but there wasn’t as big of a crowd as normal so we had no problem finding seats. What follows are basic recaps of most everything that went on . . .

CROWD NOTES: SIGN GUY was not in his normal spot, for some reason he was sitting on the side bleachers by the TV cameras . . . before the show the crowd had fun with a beach ball until some rat b@stard popped both balls that they were playing with . . . THE DUDLEY CONTINGENT brought BERTHA RAY DUDLEY, the inflatable vixen, and gave her her own ringside seat . . . No drunks this time, or at least they were in another section . . .

The card started with FRANCINE leading her PITBULLS out to beat the crap out of BAD CREW . . .

JOEY STYLES started the show by giving VINCE MCMAHON & ERIC BISCHOFF the bad news that ECW would be back on PRIME SPORTS this Friday night. DAMION KANE came out with his lovely valet (who changed her outfit for once, and who was allegedly selling hotdogs at Reading, PA the night before), and Damion said that he no longer had a tag team to manage so he was going to wrestle. Out comes EL PUERTO RICANO. Kane knocked out the artist formerly known as UBAS and stood in the ring until MIKEY WHIPWRECK came down and they got into a brawl. It was apparently a match and Mikey won by pinfall with a standing FRANKENMIKEY from the top rope . . .

We noticed BLUE MEANIE’S PERSONAL BEULAH (AKA PATRICIA) at ringside before MEANIE & STEVE RICHARDS came out. Richards got on the ring microphone claimed that he was attacked in the dressing room and that he couldn’t wrestle so he brought out “STONE COLD” CHAD AUSTIN to replace him. Well, of course, THE GANGSTAS came out for their match and totally destroyed the Meanie & ICE Col, err, Stone Cold Austin . . . The Gangstas took the ring microphone after the match and talked about JOHNNY GRUNGE and said that the fans were as bad as PUBLIC ENEMY (sellouts) if PE ever came back into the building and the fans went back to cheering them . . .

JT SMITH defeated HACK MYERS in a stretcher match . . .

TAZ defeated BUH BUH RAY DUDLEY via submission. After the match he knocked out SIGN GUY DUDLEY (go TAZ!), then put out BIG DICK DUDLEY with a horrible attack on his knee and then with a leg submission lock . . .

THE ELIMINATORS defeated BILLY BLACK & THE PUNISHER (AKA THE DARK RIDERS), by pinfall when BILLY BLACK got the double elimination. The Eliminators called THE GANGSTAS out and they fought all over the building. It ended as MUSTAFA was knocked out and the Eliminators took NEW JACK into the ring and made a sandwich out of two table tops with Jack in the middle. They taped it together and then did the double elimination with New Jack inside the tables! . . .

Intermission and PATRICIA came out several times and begged the guys at ringside to demand her to be a part of ECW . . . JOEY STYLES came back out and brought out RAVEN, Raven’s doctor, THE BRUISE BROTHERS, THE BLUE MEANIE & KIMONA WANNALEIA. The doctor said that RAVEN needed a special boot to wrestle. TOMMY DREAMER, SHANE DOUGLAS & THE SANDMAN came out to put an end to the madness with a pier six brawl. During this melee DREAMER got a figure four on RAVEN in the center of the ring but it was broken up by BRIAN LEE — who brawled with Dreamer . . .

TOO COLD SCORPIO defeated ROB VAN DAM by pinfall . . .

The music played several times for RAVEN but it was finally stopped by COMMISSIONER TOD GORDON, who told ROCCO THE RING ANNOUNCER that we’d have to have a stand by match. We did. JOEL HARTGOOD & THE BROAD STREET BULLY did something in the ring until AXL ROTTEN came out and beat up both guys then pinned Hartgood . . .

Finally, THE BRUISE BROTHERS carried RAVEN to the ring and the lights go out. SANDMAN & MISSY HYATT appear up on top of the lighting stand above the front door, SHANE DOUGLAS appears up on the stage by the TV cameras, and TOMMY DREAMER & BUELAH appear on the crow’s nest. Well, that lasted all of 3 minutes as STEVE RICHARDS sneak attacked Sandman. This led to a huge battle of a match that ended with appearances by just about everyone involved in the feud, and ended with RAVEN’S team getting the loss. After the match RAVEN went to attack DREAMER again but BUELAH jumped on Raven’s back. Raven grabbed her and the Bruises came in to hold her. KIMONA jumped in front of Buelah and tried to stop Raven from doing anything to her but Raven slapped her out of the way. The Bruises went to do their double leg lift to Buelah but, thankfully, Dreamer and Douglas made the save . . .

I don’t know if it was just from seeing two shows in two nights, but we were a bit dead last night. I totally missed the TOO COLD/VAN DAM match because, while it’s going to look great on TV, it was downright boring in person and we found other things to do, like watching a cop trying to pick up two women over on the stage. The rest of the night was pretty good, but it was definitely an off night for what we’d normally get from the ECW . . .

WHAT YOU MISSED: VADER, OWEN HART, & THE BRITISH BULLDOG defeated YOKOZUNA, AHMED JOHNSON, & JAKE ROBERTS when Jake was Vader Bombed . . . DOK HENDRIX plugged the WWF Superstar line . . . In the first part of the backlot brawl RODDY PIPER and GOLDUST fought until GoldDust ran down Piper with his gold Cadillac. Piper then jumped into a nearby white Bronco and took of after him . . . “STONE COLD” STEVE AUSTIN beat SAVIO VEGA by hitting Vega with million dollar belt after a ref. bump. Austin then put Vega in the million dollar dream for the win . . . A clip supposedly of Piper heading down the freeway, which was obviously footage of the O.J. SIMPSON chase . . . MR. PERFECT interviewed DIESEL . . . More footage of Piper/O.J. heading down the freeway . . . THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR beat HUNTER HEARST HELMSELY in a virtual squash. Warrior pinned him following a press slam and a big splash . . . Wrestlemania merchandise plug . . . TODD PETTENGILL interviewed “WILD MAN” MARC MERO. During the interview, HHH shoved Mero and the two started fighting . . . Even more Piper/O.J. footage . . . THE UNDERTAKER beat Diesel with a tombstone piledriver . . . Next, Pettengill was supposedly in the security offices at The Pond, showing us footage of GoldDust and Piper arriving. Goldie ran to MARLENA, and the two ran towards the ring, with Piper following them which lead to the second part of the backlot brawl, which featured the two fighting the ring. It ended (mercifully) when Piper ripped off Goldie’s bodysuit, revaling him wearing lingerie and pantyhose . . . Before the Iron Man match, HOWARD FINKEL announced that GORILLA MONSOON had been reinstated as WWF president . . . SHAWN MICHAELS and BRET HART wrestled to a one hour draw, after the match ended, Monsoon came down and ordered the match into sudden death overtime, where Michaels pinned Hart following a super kick . . .

WrestleMania Weekend Quotables courtesy of Tom Robson
(These quotes are as exact as I could get them. There may be a few minor differences between what was said and what is printed here.)

“The electricity went off in the hotel and [The Godwinns] were stuck on the escalator for two hours!” -Jerry Lawler (Free for All)

“What the pharmacist paid him, Father Time has taken away.” -Jerry Lawler about the Huckster (Free for All)

“Whatcha gonna do when Billionaire Ted’s rassler’s croak on you?” -Vince McMahon (Free for All)

“I’m gonna put some Y chromosomes back where the X ones are in GoldDust.” -Roddy Piper (Free for All)

“I’m the sh!t, I’m tellin’ ya’!” -Diesel (WrestleMania)

(All in song, medley similar to one done by Billy Crystal a few years ago at the Oscars) (Slammys)   “The two words Paul Bearer’s never said: ‘I’m full'”   “I’m like your biggest fan, but how much did it cost McMahon? Hey Warrior, hey Warrior” -Todd   “Sunny, we can plainly see, those are Double D”-Todd (sung to Beauty & the Beast)   “SCREW YOU TED TURNER!” -Todd Pettingill

“Whoopi Goldberg wasn’t available, Billy Crystal was too expensive, and we all know what happened last time David Letterman hosted an awards show.” -Todd Pettengill (Slammys)

“Good buns and a nice pair of . . . shoes too” -Jerry Lawler about Sunny (Slammys)

“You can imitate us. You can duplicate us. But you can never, ever recreate us.” -Ahmed Johnson (Slammys)

“Well you’ve got Ahmed Johnson who thinks that Thomas Jefferson is that little, black guy who’s married to Wheezy.” -Jerry Lawler (Slammys)

“Then you’ve got Bob ‘Spark Plugg’ Holly who finished last in his last race ’cause he kept pulling into the pit to ask for directions.” -Jerry Lawler (Slammys)

“How many polyesters do you think were killed to make that jacket?” -Jerry Lawler on Jim Cornette (Slammys)

“I have a bigger ballroom than this in my mansion, and everyone knows that Hunter Hearst Helmsley has the biggest balls . . . in his ballroom of anyone.” -Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Slammys)

“Everyone keeps asking me, ‘Mr. Perfect when are you gonna come back?’ If you don’t leave me alone, I’m gonna kick your @ss!” -Mr. Perfect (Slammys)

“First of all I’ve gotta ask: ‘Mr. Perfect, where’ve you been and when are you coming back?’ Now, I wanna give this award to someone who’s had me on the mat more times . . . not you Sunny sit down. I’d like to wish your team of Lord Littlebrook and Sky Low Low good luck.” -Shawn Michaels (Slammys)

“You’re gonna think that those nine cheerleaders that beat you up in New York, you’re gonna think that was Breakfast at Tiffany’s” -Bret Hart (Slammys)

“Hey Bret, next time you’re out shopping, buy your kid a personality.” -Jerry Lawler (Slammys)

“Is anyone besides Bret sick of seeing me up here?” -Shawn Michaels (Slammys)

Well, the WWF has finally gone too far. I thought the fun between WCW and WWF was going to foster competition. But WWF took it one step too many. This week on Superstars, McMahon has attacked Turner and the Time Warner merger, and topics NOT associated with Wrestling. Claiming he doesn’t care about his viewers, and doesn’t care what anyone thinks.

Ted Turner has never hurt the cable industry or Pro Wrestling for that matter. If anything Turner has given us a choice, and a much better choice, with his TV syndicate. He has provided quality entertainment of many facets, and done it cheaply.

I really don’t care if Turner is more rich than McMahon, because McMahon used to be very well off himself, and probably still is. McMahon had the wrestling world dominated in the 80’s and blew it by scandal after scandal, sexual accusations, and mis-management. In the 80’s I expected WWF to shut down WCW (then NWA) for good!

It was bad enough that McMahon attacked Hulk Hogan, a man and character that he himself created and plastered on any item with a price tag. But then he claims and pokes fun, at a man who is trying to give the fans a fun product, worrying little about himself and his own “unbeatable” image. Hogan has been doing everything he can to please everyone, whether that be on the Net, or the TV Audience. I respect Hogan now more than I ever did, for his attempt to please the fans with real action, and sacrifice.

I finally saw McMahon copy Hogan, for what must be the first time ever, when he had Diesel, from Madison Square Garden, attack Wrestlers with a steel chair. This was satirized a few weeks prior in a skit on the WWF weekly TV show. Then McMahon goes and COPIES Hogan! I was in shock! I thought it never possible.

But that aside, McMahon has always been hated by Wrestlers for his underhanded dealings, and powerful contract negotiations. In the late 80’s we began to see Wrestlers bail out of the WWF, even before Turner decided to “Wage War”! They were tired of being a used carpet, and opted for smaller local Wrestling Federations, that appreciated them. He would work men to death, making them work at 2 or 3 shows a night, running from Arena to Arena.

I think the thing that really has me steamed is that back in the 80’s McMahon almost shut down the WCW with market pressure and Hulk Hogan’s Hulkamania, that was seeded into our American culture. The then owner of NWA, Jim Crockett, was in financial ruin, and no one cried out in favor of the better home grown NWA. McMahon didn’t once care that he was trying to buy out NWA to quell any competition, after applying pressure and buckling the larger AWA into ruin, and swallowing up small local federations on the West Coast, and North East.

So in walks Ted Turner, who bought WCW as a toy to play with. He has always loved sports, and especially the characters of Pro Wrestling. I am guessing he decided to keep it around so he could show up at events, kind of like Braves Baseball.

Ted decided to put a more savvy person at the helm after loss against loss, his name, Eric Bischoff. Bischoff has mainly been a behind the scenes person, and even commentator and interviewer in small federations. But this was his big chance.

How does one gain market share? You take it from the big guy, and WWF was the target. WCW systematically put into motion a long term attack on WWF, not because they hated McMahon, but because this is the nature of the financial game. McMahon had done it, so they were gonna try it. And it started paying off! They started to make money for once, and improved their product along the way. WWF finally had competition after 15 years!

Now McMahon is getting beat at his own game, and is constantly crying about how Turner does business. McMahon, I used to admire you, for taking a small sh!tty promotion called WWWF, that by rights should have faded away with your Father’s Death, and making it into a multi-million dollar business. I know you used tactics that were questionable, and evaded federal inquiries. But its time to “Pay the Piper” so to speak. 🙂

Ultimate Warrior will not revive the WWF of old, because you have taken a different position of blasting true Superstars, ones who built the WWF. What will happen when Warrior goes to WCW? Will you say he was the self proclaimed “Warrior”. Will you whine as you are right now, and stamp your feet, insisting that WCW is a bad guy?

You have lost an old fan of WWF wrestling, and you have damaged your image as a savy player. You are now worse that your competition, in the sense that you are playing the same games and not even admitting to it while trying to convince others you are the good guy. But I know better!

I respect every Wrestler that gets into the ring and takes a pounding. It is more than I care to take. They spill their guts to please us, and make a living. But you, I no longer respect. WCW has been the underdog for too long, and it is their shot now!

Support your local Wrestling, MEWF, ECW, even WCW, etc. That is where the true heroes play. They work their butts off every night, for a few a living, just because they love the sport. What happened to you? I thought you used to love it too?

Ending the WWF vs. WCW War – Part II by Greg Uebele

First of all, I would like to publicly send a big thank you out to Russel J. Smith for mentioning my name and my article in issue #161. I have only been a subscriber to THE RING REPORT for a couple of months now and it was the first article I wrote. It was nice to see my name appear in OUT FOR THE COUNT.

Now, on to business.

As I mentioned in my previous article, the only way for this senseless dispute to be settled is in the ring. This, however, poses some potential problems. Here are some ideas to help eliminate some of them.

Format: The champions in both leagues should face the equivalent title holder,  if applicable (i.e. WCW TV Title), in the other organization. The other matches should try to match up wrestlers who fill similar niches in their respective organization.

The Ring: The ring should combine parts (if compatible) between both ring styles. Two corners should have the square, blue turnbuckles with the yellow WWF logo on them and the other two corners should have the flatter WCW-style turnbuckle pads. Two sets of ropes should be the WWF’S traditional red, white, and blue with the rough appearance. The other two should be the smoother WCW ropes.

Broadcast Teams: The commentary should be done by one WWF and one WCW commentator. Interviews should be carried out by alternating WWF and WCW interviewers in equal amounts of interviews. Camera crews, sound technicians, etc. should be of an equal number from both organizations.

Matches: The actual matches and outcomes should be determined by a joint with equal representation from both organizations. Refereeing also be split equally, with a referee from one federation in the and a back-up referee from the other promotion outside the ring, alternating from match to match.

I realize that the biggest problem is to get the two organizations to work with each other. What they need is motivation. Well Vince and Eric, how about MONEY? This would make a lot of it for both of you. Think about it.

I’m baaaaaack!!! (And there was much moaning) Before you scroll past me, my mind is actually fresh, so I might actually make sense this week.

I knew I shouldn’t have ordered UnCensored. I had some friends come out and watch it with me, but it was still an overall bad PPV.

The first thing that comes to mind is the idiotic comment that Dick Slater’s interference in KFC Parker’s match was a good example of what Uncensored was all about. HA! Even the most idiotic WCW fan knew it was going to happen.

The Belfast Bruiser-Steven Regal match was way too long. Ditto that on the Booty Man-DDP match.

I admit the street fight was exciting. But the ending sucked!!! What was the point of having Animal jumped by Stevie Ray, Luger, and Booker T when I thought the angle was trying to push a feud between the Warriors and the Steiner Brothers? The ending was a major screwjob to what was actually a good match and more proof that WCW doesn’t know diddly squat about keeping a storyline.

The doomsday cage match was also screwed. The use of weapons was a cheap attempt at copying ECW. The match was nothing but another chance for that HH jackass to show how invincible he and Randy “Don’t I sound constipated” Savage.

Finally, on a different note: When I asked for the theme music of 911 and the Thrillseekers, I got plenty of responses for 911. However, no one had heard of the Thrillseekers. Well, Chris Jericho, who wrestled Taz at the last ECW show in Philly, was part of that team along with Lance Storm. If there are any old SMW fans out there who remembers the title of the Thrillseekers entrance music, please drop me a line.  PEACE!!!

THE RANT by K.R. Maury
Since I’ve already gave my pre-thoughts on Wrestlemania and Uncensored, and since Wrestlemania hasn’t happened yet but Uncensored has; I’ll talk about Uncensored this week.


I’d rather be watching that dork on the info-mercials selling his books on how to get free stuff from the government. No surprises, no thrills, no wrestling, and especially nothing that would have needed censoring!!! It starts out with Dusty and Tony doing the Main Event live before the Countdown to Uncensored. They did a Doomsday promo, like we really need to be reminded . . .

Malenko lost to Mr. JL (probably the biggest surprise of the night) where the winner advances in the cruiserweight tournament and by the way, who is in the tournament, how long has it been going on. For all we know it could be over! . . . Okerlund interviews the Alliance. Do we really need to hear from them again? . . . Next match is Bubba vs. Duggan, something else we’ve seen before. I’m not looking at my notes but I think Duggan won by putting a little bit of tape on his fist. Okerlund interviews the Giant w/Hart. Again heard it before . . . At this point Main Event is taken over by Countdown to Uncensored and it starts off with a Konnan and Guerrero promo. A match I was looking forward to but couldn’t understand how it was a title match if the event is unsanctioned . . . Gene interviews Mega-Powers and the only thing interesting here is that Hogan admitted someone has bigger arms than him . . . Then we have a bout between Wright and Slater where Medusa chases Parker and Slater wins by cheating. Nothing new . . . Lee Marshal interviews the Road Warriors wearing their “colors”. So I thought that maybe the biker angle was coming to the forefront. Well a biker angle was happening but it combined with the Steiners resurfacing on Harleys on Nitro was just a promo for a new PPV. Nasty Boys wrestle the Steiners and the Road Warriors interfere, as if we didn’t know they were there . . . Lee Marshall interviews Parker w/ Slater . . . Gene does a hundredth over of the Doomsday Match while Alliance shreds lettuce (which was the most brutal part of the event) . . . Now onto the PPV which cost about $30 and worth not one penny . . . Guerrero challenges Konnan for the US belt. Konnan is WCW’S version of Al Snow –all hype but no talent except Al Snow actually proved me wrong on Raw wrestling Michaels. Konnan even made Guerrero look bad . . . Then we see the Giant use a computer, who knew the Giant could even turn one on? . . . Gene again interviews Slater and Parker . . . Regal vs. Finley actually brings my hopes back for this event but blows it with a predictable interference by the Blue Bloods . . . Gene interviews Giant and Hart again. Gene even gave out his 1-900 number. Imagine that! . . . The best match of the night was Parker vs. Medusa where Medusa proved she can beat most male wrestlers, but it’s pretty bad when the best match is a woman vs. a manager . . . Lee Marshal interviews Road Warriors again . . . Promo for Lethal Lottery . . . DDP vs. Bootyman, Bootyman wins so what happens to DDP and where does this leave Scott Hall? . . . Gene interviews Luger in a Heartbreaking interview . . . Giant vs. Loch Ness. The Giant got Loch Ness off his feet, match over . . . Marshall interviews Sting and Booker T..  Warriors vs. Sting and Booker T. Another match I was looking forward to but for some reason the Warriors were severely disgraced and Sting remained oblivious. At this point the card was so bad that I was actually looking forward to seeing Hogan (please forgive me!) . . . The final match was the Doomsday match. Hogan and Savage took on Flair and AA, then Lex, Meng, Sullivan and Barbarian, then somehow the match left the Doomsday cage for the ring. Finally Z-Gangsta and Ultimate Solution came out and dragged Hogan and Sullivan back to the cage. No blood, no action and all through the card there was only one chair because all the chairs were connected. This cage match reminded of when I saw Dusty and I think Tully Blanchard in a barbed wire match. The two wrestlers never got near the wire, so the match began and ended in the middle of the ring. Leaving everyone disappointed. How did two men beat eight men without a scratch? Okay you could say that Lex hitting Flair was a surprise but no one knew whose side he was on anyway. On top of it all two more disappointments, no Pillman to make things exciting and WCW proved they don’t care about the fans by putting on a terrible PPV (that doesn’t have any competition that night) and then putting on a great Nitro the next night (which did have competition that night) where one match (Giant vs. Flair) had more action than all of Uncensored put together! The only thing I’m looking forward to is what is going to happen with Hart, the Horsemen, and Dungeon of Doom. Hart is losing his stable, the Horsemen don’t know what to expect from Pillman or the Dungeon of Doom and the Dungeon of Doom is left wondering what happened. The Alliance to End Hulkamania seems to have become The Alliance to End The Alliance . . . Over all I give Uncensored a minus 5 stars. I think everyone should get their money back and Marc Mero should be glad he wasn’t a part of it!

The Steel Cage by Jason Clevett
E-mail: <>
I am writing this mere hours after viewing Wrestlemania 12 so that none of my emotions are lost. In my opinion Shawn Micheals should not be WWF champion. The match should have ended in a draw. I don’t really care how the fans would have reacted. We had just seen what may have been the greatest physical battle ever at Wrestlemania. Shawn Micheals took some amazing bumps and it was the best pure wrestling match I have ever had the honor of seeing. Both men deserved to win. But I like Bret Hart. I think he is the greatest. Shawn is only a little bit behind him. But tonight the better man lost.

I am also happy about the recent rumor I heard. As far as I know Razor Ramon has resigned with WWF. This makes me really happy. Razor belongs in WWF. Diesel in exchange with Mero? I can live with that.

Welcome back Warrior. Yes the guy is a lousy wrestler. He has lost some weight and no longer has the energy he used to have. That’s fine. A Warrior not at the same level is still a lot better then no Warrior at all.

For some reason I found the OJ Simpson footage funny. The fight itself was memorable and fun to watch. Some of the things in it made me cringe. Roddy being hit by a car for one. What where the rules? At this point it doesn’t matter. It was cool to watch.

Sunny is happy. Thus, I am happy.

I never thought Diesel and Undertaker could pull off such a good match. But it was a hard fought draining match. It’s great they didn’t ruin it by turning it into a casket match. Though predictable, it was far better then I thought.

I didn’t really get much of the 6 man tag. My cable operator messed up so I only received half the match. During the replay it was in sort of a series of short pictures.

Can we all hope and pray that this is finally the end of Billionaire Ted? I hope so.

WCW Uncensored was the best PPV of the year so far, with several surprises that kept the proceedings interesting. It lived up to its title far more than the inaugural version, but still has a way to go if ECW is truly their model, even counting the numerous nad shots.

CONAN pinned EDDIE GUERRERO — “Good” is the best adjective to describe this match. It was “good”; the pace was good, the moves were good, the action was good. No part of it, however, could fairly be described as “great,” and with these two dervishes, great is what I was expecting. Guerrero tried, but Conan kept slowing him down. Only the US champ’s inadvertent (?) head-butt to his challenger’s testicles nudged this bout above averages. GRADE: B.

BELFAST BRUISER defeated STEVE REGAL (DQ) — Just as Conan-Guerrero was underachieving, this contest, of which I expected little, proved to be much better than expected. Regal didn’t engage in his usual aristocratic prancing and preening because Finley didn’t let him, and because he wanted the Bruiser as much as the Bruiser wanted him. And they went together like fish & chips, pounding the h3ll out of each other with unremitting fury. It was easily a “B” match until the end, which was spoiled by Bobby Eaton’s interference. Cardinal rule of PPVS: NEVER have inconclusive endings. Alas, the Bluebloods didn’t listen. GRADE: C.

ROBERT PARKER pinned MEDUSA MACELI — What happens when a match you figure to be a complete dog produces something other than embarrassment? Answer: you tend to overcompensate in your grading. Parker actually performed a few wrestling maneuvers (a press slam and a chokeslam), and was surprisingly smooth in Maceli’s bodyslam, belly-to-back suplex, and crucifix of him. And, to top it all off, the man beat the woman for a change, though naturally with Dick Slater’s help. But they still shouldn’t flatter themselves into believing that more such match-ups should be scheduled. GRADE: C.

BRUTIS BEEFCAKE pinned DALLAS PAGE — Before Johnny B. Badd’s departure, I was tired of this match; after Johnny B. Badd’s departure, I didn’t care about this match. Is there any difference? Well . . . who cares? GRADE: C.

GIANT pinned LOCH NESS — The bane of all fat men — “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” — would be an Achilles heel the size of a drumstick if pro wrestling were more than just “sports entertainment.” Take out one or both of the blimp’s knees and 90% of the battle is won. Or, if chop blocks aren’t to your taste, borrow moves from Hulk Hogan. That’s what the Giant did, with the big foot off the ropes/legdrop combination that made the Hulkster famous, and it worked for him too. He even dedicated it to Hogan. Still, that wouldn’t have been nearly enough if the participants hadn’t kept this match mercifully short. Besides, Bischoff didn’t need Loch Ness dropping dead of a heart attack in the middle of the ring. And I, for one, would hate to have slept through Nessie’s ambulance breaking an axle on its way to the hospital. GRADE: C.

STING/BOOKER T pinned ROAD WARRIORS — Now THIS was a Street Fight. Not a brawl in name only, or a slopfest, but an honest-to-goodness rumble. Spikes, chairs, broomsticks, the side of the “doomsday” cage. Booker T squashed Animal’s nuts, returning the favor for the groin shot Sting absorbed earlier. And the outcome was one I kicked myself (getting into the spirit of the occasion) for not having foreseen.

Since members of two tag-teams were united against Hawk & Animal, it stood to reason that their partners would get involved at some point — especially since Booker T’s deal with Sting was that a victory over LOD would yield Harlem Heat another world title shot. Thus, Booker T’s departure from ringside towards the end of the contest wasn’t an abandonment of Sting but a ploy to lure Animal (as it turned out) into Stevie Ray’s locker room ambush. And who should be there as well but Lex Luger, who, enraged at the interruption of his self-admiring oil-down, helped Stevie Ray pummel Animal into unconsciousness. It was then a simple matter to take out Hawk, who was now outnumbered three to one. And Stevie Ray did the honors.

Rare are the matches that have vast potential and actually fulfill it. This was one of them. GRADE: A.

MEGAPOWERS defeated ALLIANCE TO END HULKAMANIA — Some bouts cannot escape their own internal contradictions. This one was rife with them.

On the one hand, this “doomsday” match portended terrific violence; but on the other, it couldn’t get too out of hand or the participants would be in real danger. The Horsemen-Dungeon alliance figured to gang up on Hogan & Savage, but since the MegaPowers were obviously supposed to come out on top, the bad guys were restrained beyond what the previous weeks’ buildup would have led the casual fan to expect.

Thus, when Kevin Sullivan was hanging by his fingernails some twenty or thirty feet above the arena floor, Hogan didn’t stomp his fingers and send the Taskmaster plunging to a maiming, or outright death, but climbed out their with him. And though there were eight men facing the two heroes, the greatest disadvantage the latter ever faced was five on two (though Zeus and Pecman probably ought to count twice each). When you know the good guys are going to win, stacking the deck against them even more only drains away whatever suspense there may have been.

Still, there were compensating virtues. The performers ad libbed well, not sticking to the pre-announced formula of fighting through each cage, but descending from the second cage down to the floor and taking matters into the main ring, and then back again. And Hogan and Savage came prepared with blinding powder and frying pans, courtesy of Brother Brutii. They gave a tremendous pounding to Flair, Anderson, Sullivan, and Lex Luger. Indeed, for all the hype surround the first three, Hogan seemed to enjoy beating up the Total Package more than any of the rest of them.

The fun & games ended when Zeus and Pecman made their belated entrance, but resumed when the skillets were introduced. And the climax, when Luger quite deliberately waited for Macho Man to duck and then clobbered the Denture Boy with his loaded glove, was a wonderful and fitting twist, making the best of an inherently limited plot. GRADE: B.

OTHER NOTES — Say good-bye to the late, not-so-great “Alliance to End Hulkamania.” Any group so pompously and presumtively named would have been doomed to failure even in the real world. And it all came apart the very next night at Nitro in the Giant’s WCW world title challenge to the Old Man himself.

Note to Eric Bischoff: have Liz defect back to Randy Savage and announce that she has been a spy in the Horsemen camp, just as Brutis Beefcake was (supposedly) sent by Hulk Hogan to spy on Kevin Sullivan’s stable. Seeing Woman and Liz swish down the aisle on Ric Flair’s spindly arms fills me with apathy far more than either lust or irritation. The novelty has worn off; in short, I just don’t care, which suggests that Savage shouldn’t care, either. Having him become enraged at Liz (again, supposedly) tossing “his” money to the crowd — at Flair’s instigation — doesn’t make sense because that dough is, by definition, LIZ’S money, since she won it in the divorce settlement. For that matter, if she took as much as is clearly implied, why does she need Dickey boy? She ought to be able to afford jet set membership all by her lonesome, without having to put up with Flair’s impotence and incontinence.

He won’t be the only one on a bedpan after what the Giant did to him the next night on Nitro. That was the best sequence I’ve seen in WCW since Vader beat Flair and Arn Anderson seven months ago. Giant chokeslams Flair; Liz rushes in — stupidly — to try and shield Flair from further attack, instead of distracting him by tearing her dress open; which nonetheless gives Double-A the requisite opening for his obligatory bacon-saving routine, this time with a chair; right on his heels comes Kevin Sullivan, who snatches the chair from Anderson just as the Giant is turning around; Arn points at Sullivan, whom Giant plants with a second chokeslam; the Enforcer, laughing heartily, gets chokeslam #3.

What a gorgeous sight: Ric Flair, Kevin Sullivan, and Arn Anderson, splattered all over the ring, with the women and Jimmy Hart shrieking frantically. And Anderson and Sullivan have to team against Hogan and Beefcake next Monday. Take the world title away from Flair, and it wouldn’t get any better.

That should be the next order of business. OVERALL PPV GRADE: B-.

[YTD PPV score: WCW 2.29, WWF 1.80]

March 6, 1979: Jerry and Johnny Valiant, with manager extraordinaire Captain Lou Albino at ringside, take the World Tag Team belts away from Tony Garea and Larry Zybszko in a televised match from Allentown, Pennsylvania. Their title reign was to last 7 and a half months.

March 20, 1994: Owen Hart defeats brother Bret at Wrestlemania X in Madison Square Garden after blocking a victory roll and netting him up in a pinning combination. Later in the same card, Bret would go on to defeat Yokozuna to begin his second World Title reign and become a Triple Crown Champion for the second time.



Razor Ramon and Diesel are to leave the WWF, whilst Johnny B. Badd
will be coming into it.

Wrestlemania XII will take place TONIGHT, March 31st, emanating live
from The Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, California. The main event will
pit WWF Champion Bret Hart against Shawn Michaels in a 1 HR Iron Man
Match for the belt. This match has all the makings of a classic.

First of all, I would like to apologize for the last minute alteration to last week’s column. I decided that instead of doing another article about Wrestlemania before it happens, I shall write a review of it after it  happens. Look out for that next week.

Also, there will be no Diesel biography either. I only do biographies of stars which I give two cents about and Diesel – sorry buddy, but you don’t fall into that category.

Anyway, here we go with Part 2 of Razor’s history (continued from Issue 160).



Diesel was irate at being kicked in the face and took it out on the rest of his team members, making them all leave the ring, before following Shawn Michaels back down the aisle. Therefore, the match ended in a count-out, and Razor was officially declared the winner.

However, the captain of The Teamsters, Jeff Jarrett, was OT done with ‘The Bad Guy’. The two warriors faced off at the Royal Rumble of ’95 in controversial IC title defense by Razor. The Roadie clipped Razor’s knee on the outside, hence the match ended in a count-out, with Double J as the victor.

Or did it? Before you could say ‘Bad luck, chico’, Jarrett grabbed the microphone, called Razor ‘yellow and cowardly’ and challenged him to get back in the ring. Razor obliged and the match was promptly restarted.

In the closing moments of the match, Razor was desperately trying to hoist up his foe in the Razor’s Edge when his bad knee gave way and he toppled to the canvas, enabling Jarrett to scoop him up in a small package and capture the belt.

Razor demanded a rematch and was given one at Wrestlemania XI, with The 1-2-3 Kid at ringside to prevent interference from The Roadie.

At the end, Razor tried to get Jarrett up in the Razor’s Edge (sound familiar?, but The Roadie came in and took Razor’s knee out again, before The Kid came in to make the save, nailing both Razor’s enemies with beautiful spinning leg lariats.

In May at the inaugural In Your House PPV, The Kid and Razor were supposed to face Jarrett and The Roadie in a tag match, but he was injured in a tag match prior to the event against the aforesaid adversaries.

Razor therefore had to face his opponents in a handicap match and, after much double-teaming from his opponents, he took the victory.

This match would also see the introduction of one Savio Vega, who entered the ring and helped clean house after Aldo Montoya failed to accomplish the same feat.

Ramon would then go on to qualify for the King Of The Ring tournament by besting Jacob Blu. This then led to a series of tag team matches featuring Razor, Savio and the brothers Blu, and on one occasion (after he had healed from his neck injury), The Kid and Uncle Zebekiah as well.

However, Razor was unable to compete in the tournament as a result of injuries he sustained to his ribs in ladder matches with Jeff Jarrett on the house show circuit, in which the I-C belt was traded back and forth between them once, so Savio Vega was forced to battle IRS in the final qualifying match a mere 15 minutes before K.O.T.R.!

Razor’s friend Vega won and went on to beat Yokozuna in the first round by way of a count-out. He then gained a measure of revenge when he downed The Roadie in the semi-finals but was crushed to defeat by Mabel in the finals who, unfortunately, became the King Of The Ring.

Razor then bravely entered the squared circle to aid Savio in disposing of M.O.M. (King Mabel and Sir Mo – both of which have now been fired from the federation), but it was to no avail. Then, making his WWF return, The Kid ran down the aisle in an attempt to beat up the terrible tandem but he too was squashed.

This led to a tag team match at IYH II in which Men On A Mission defeated Razor and Savio in center ring.

However, the best match of Razor’s career (in my opinion anyway) was to come a month later at Summerslam.


NEXT WEEK: Wrestlemania review!

Hey hey! It’s Wrestlemania Sunday! My first almost-live wrestling experience was at a closed-circuit showing of WM3. It was at a local auditorium where live wrestling is usually held, and a big movie screen was set up. It’s still, in my opinion, the best WM, mainly because of the incredible Steamboat / Savage match. This in spite of the closed-circuit going out during Hogan / Andre, and coming back just as Hogan was breaking out of Andre’s bearhug.

The Slammy Awards were pretty fun last night. It was odd to see all the wrestlers sitting around dinner tables wearing tuxedos. It’s become apparent to me that not everybody knows what the deal with the Slammys is. Both previous Slammy Awards were done solely to promote the two WWF wrestling albums (both must-haves). For the second show, they called the awards the 34th Annual Slammys or something like that. That was a joke. The Grammys and Oscars always mention the number of years the awards have been given out. The awards given out then were like “Best Theme Song Done By Someone Who Looks a Lot Like Elvis” which was won, of course, by Honky Tonk Man. This is the first year that the WWF has done fan awards.

I’m getting set right now to order the pizza and head over to the friends’ place. It’s a big thing every year. The biggest, really, because of how over-the-top the WWF goes with it. Most years the undercard was filled up with glorified jobbers, but this year everybody on the card has a push of some degree. But that happened once before at WM9, and there were 3 DQ’s. That stunk up the place.

I’m not going to predict. There’s absolutely no need to waste cyberspace on predicting an Undertaker victory. I’m disappointed about that foregone conclusion. Wish Diesel could’ve waited. But he’s burned his bridges, and that’s that. This was Undertaker’s best feud. Diesel made Undertaker work. In my opinion, it’s UT who should leave.

Bret Hart is great. Those videos have convinced me of that. Whether he’s acting or not, he does genuinely seem tired — and irked about Shawn’s wild popularity. It’ll be a killer match. I can’t wait. Shawn is cool, too. Has anybody noticed the way Bret and Shawn talked in the videos? Shawn talked about The Championship. Bret talked about beating Shawn. One of the guys getting thumped in Shawn’s gym workout was Jimmy Jam Garvin, I noticed.

The celebrity show was always a fun part of WrestleMania. I’m disappointed that it’s nowhere to be found this year. I wonder if Billionaire Ted had anything to do with it. Vince has been very preoccupied with that, and I think it’s taken away a tiny piece that made WM the spectacle that it is. TV, movie, music, and sports stars interacting with pro wrestlers is usually goofy fun. Burt Reynolds introducing Roddy Piper at WM10, Regis doing play by play at WM7, Bob Uecker getting throttled by Andre at WM3. The horde of stars at the 3 arenas at WM2. All good fun.

I also hope that it stops with WM. Vince MUST move on. The freakin’ Huckster/Nacho Man match was announced before Bret / Shawn. I want it to be over. The WWF always plays all its cards at WM. WrestleMania always has flashes of great and inspired entertainment. That’s what we’re all here for.

And without further ado, give these trivia questions a shot:
1. Who has *wrestled* at the most WMs?

a) Superfly Snuka
b) Bobby Heenan
c) Roddy Piper
2. How many battle royals have there been at WM?
3. How many steel cage matches?
4. Which jobs has Roddy Piper had at WMs? (check all that apply)

a) wrestler
b) boxer
c) manager
d) referee
e) color commentator
f) interviewer
5. How many times has the Intercontinental belt changed hands at WMs?

FROM THE MIND OF THE MANIAC by “Maniac” Mike Blade
With the end of WrestleMania XII, should also (mercifully) come the end of the “Billionaire Ted” skits. But the underlying question still seems to be in the minds of some . . . is the whole WWF versus WCWWTBBP thing a shoot or a work?

All you have to do is watch your television to know that there is truly bad blood there. Vince McMahon is fighting for his corporate life, so he’s spared no feelings in his attacks. Eric Bischoff has reason to be cocky since dragging WCWWTBBP from the recesses of good wrestling, lousy angles and low ratings; to lousy wrestling, lousy angles and high ratings. And Ted Turner does what Ted Turner does, sends his paid minions to do the dirty work while he sits in his office high atop CNN Tower calling down to the control booth . . .

“Hey, put on that there ‘Smoky and the Bandit” again. I just love that movie. Yeah! . . . What’s that? . . . We’re already showing it on TBS? Well I missed the beginning. Can’t come in halfway through. Can’t follow the plot, donchaknow. Eeee-ahh, tell ’em to load it up on TNT. . . . Whadda ya mean rasslin’s runnin’ over? Well throw it on TCM then. . . . ‘Casablanca’, again? But they won’t even let me color that black-and-white trash anymore! Okay, okay, well fire it up on The Cartoon Network then. . . . Well a’course it’s animated, have you ever seen that Dom Deluise? . . . Sequel? What sequel? . . . Why doesn’t somebody tell me these things? Get out there and buy it for me. Gotta see that movie. Err, it’s in color ain’t it? . . . Whaaaa? I do!?! Well great! Put it up on TBS. The original? Oh heck, nobody’ll notice, just slap it in and call it a Director’s Cut. Hal Needham hasn’t been doin’ anythin’ lately anyway.”

Sorry, didn’t mean to get that carried away . . . but that was fun.

My point, and I do have one . . . . McMahon insists that Turner is trying to put him out of business. Based, he claims, on Turner’s inability to build a successful organization out of WCWWTBBP. Aggravated by his inability to buy the WWF from the McMahon family.

Bischoff and Turner feign ignorance as they lead you to believe that it was extensive research and marketing surveys that led to placing ‘Nitro’ on Monday nights directly opposite ‘Raw’. Offering guaranteed money, inflated contracts to current WWF headliners, and buying up as much independent talent as they possibly can is just their way of bringing all these great stars to national prominence.

Shoot or work? It depends on how objectively you look at it. To the thinking man, it is an obvious shoot. Turner decided to take down McMahon. He has the means to do so. He apparently is arrogant enough to do so. And, he doesn’t seem to mind spending far too much money to do it.

After TNT’s response to the recent “Final Solution” controversy, it seems that all is not happy in Turnerland though. To paraphrase the form letter e-mailed to anyone who complained . . . “Unfortunately, we have very little say regarding (Nitro). They seem to be their own boss.” Further, Hogan’s increasing power in booking the angles has left many a WCWWTBBP player feeling left out. And, they basically have too many wrestler without enough angles. It seems like they’re ready to buckle under their own weight. Not to mention the growing cast of the worst announcers in the business (Bobby Heenan notwithstanding). And, why isn’t Lee Marshall selling used appliances somewhere?

The whole situation seems only to have helped the WWF. American’s love the underdog. Like it or not, in this case that’s McMahon. This, along with a never ending stream of creative angles (along with a few dogs) have increased recent house show attendance and pay-per-view buyrates. Let’s face it, VinnieMac and Jerry Lawler beat the crap out of Bischoff and McMichaels any day of the week.

It is without question a shoot. As for what it turns into over the next few months, only time will tell.

Not a lot tonight, we start with a fond good-bye to long time managing editor RYAN CUNNINGHAM, who is taking some time off. Ryan has been a big part of the Ring Report over the years and it’s sad to see him go after all this time. Ryan, don’t do it! Come back I don’t want to have to face that e-mail without you going through it first! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!


In any case, best wished to Ryan, and you better get your butt back here soon! 🙂

With that said, this week I confirmed that I am the world’s worst person with directions. I got a rare night off from my Friday class and my buddies and I decided to take a drive out to Reading, PA to see some wrestling.
The plan was to see the first half of PCW then run over and see the main event of the ECW. Well, that got royally messed up as we got totally lost on the way to finding the PCW show. We actually ran into Slammer’s gym and the ECW after an hour of driving around trying to find our way to the other card and stayed, since we knew that we’d NEVER find our way back if we tried to go out again.

Next time we buy a map.

In any case, had a great weekend, even if I spent most of today sleeping. Sleep is always a good thing and that’s how we’re going to end the week, and this issue . . .

By the way the Mad Dog Bytes Computer Sites added a new page this week in the Wrestling League Simulator homepage! It’s the page devoted to Jamie Winquist’s popular wrestling league simulator and features the EXCLUSIVE beta test of WLS 5.3! Check it out at !


FINE PRINT & DISCLAIMERS: The Ring Report TV Update is (c) 1996 Mad Dog Bytes Computers. All names, events, etc., are trademarks of their respective leagues. Mad Dog Bytes Computes puts out this report as a free publication, put out by fans for fans, and if your federation has a problem with being carried — please contact me immediately at Mad Dog Bytes Computers is not responsible for the opinions or claims of our columnists, all columns are the responsibility of the columnists and if you have an issue with the columnist please e-mail them directly. While The Ring Report is (c) 1996 Mad Dog Bytes Computers we do grant permission for you to reprint this on e-mail lists or in physical form in it’s entirety as long as no money is made off of the reprints and the issue is reprinted intact with all proper attributions to the sources of the reports. Brett Schwan has a web page at — remember it, because it’s more memorable than he is . . . 🙂
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“MAD DOG” JAMES M. FINCH, Editor in Chief, Nitro, Raw and sometimes
Flashback Reporter:


No need to ask, first report to get to us gets in. Do it regularly
and the job is yours . . .