Ratfarts!

So after all these years, “Ratfarts!” is coming to an end as we know it.

My personal thoughts about my life/work/etc. are going back to being just that. Too many people from work are discovering my websites and frankly, the fact that people are reading this scares the hell out of me.

I start to write something, start to think about the implications of everything I’m going to say, then I pause and lose the train of thought. While it used to be cool in the “glory” days (when NO ONE was reading), right now I’m just not in the mood to share when sharing so much can be used against me.

Call it a phobia or what have you but the thought of people reading, let alone commenting on my blogs (even the half assed comments I’ve been getting) just freezes my writing process. So in essence, I’ve stopped writing because people are reading. Isn’t that funny?

This blog is going to become a journal of the creative process behind whatever I’m working on at the moment. So the entertainment value will probably still be there, but on a personal level, that’s done. Old entries will be archived on my hard drive forever, but probably will never return to the web.

And now, I go on with my business. Nothing to see here tonight!

k9

Third Person Guy’s fantasy girl is Former Teen Starlet Singer Who is Now a Mess. Oh baby, baby. You know, the one from her first video. Clad in a school girl outfit, not-quite-18, big eyes that just call to you like a really bad painting you’d find at a flea market. Oh, so stimulating. He likes to think of the video while he works and wonders if that girl exists.

Instead, the girls that come into the shop seem to be like a modern Former Teen Starlet Singer Who is Now a Mess. Oh, how he hates that. Annoying Over the Hill Actress squak voice, huge thighs, 2 or 3 kids in tow with the father off making new babies with new women who probably don’t even know how many kids they have (nor probably do they care).

He gets angry about that.

Not that he’d do anything. Third Person Guy is quite a delicate thing. Well, in his own mind anyway. Wouldn’t hurt a fly and would tenderly place a bug out of harm’s way when a shopping cart threatens to crush it. Once upon a time he stood at a busy intersection and protected a lonely little spider for a half an hour just because it was lost and confused and didn’t have any where to go. Would have it been more humane just to stomp it? No, in his mind, by saving it he saved a piece of goodness in the world and the world needs as much goodness as possible these days.

Third Person Guy has his troubles. He doesn’t like people so they made him a manager at his store. He works in the back and only has to come to the front when Lazy Cashier Girl or Grandma Cashier Girl need a break. He gets through working the cash register with a fake smile but a true kindness that only the strange can appreciate.

He’s a weird one, that’s for sure.

These are his adventures.

We’ll see where they go.

Third Person Guy turns on his TV and sees Wanna Be Famous Slight Porn Star Chick on TV. She’s crying as the police put her in the back of a squad car and take her to jail.

To this, he feels sorry for Wanna Be Famous Slight Porn Star Chick. No one should be rounded up on TV like this and it must be hard on her family to see her crying in a squad car.

But then again, he thinks she’s over doing things a bit. Every time he has seen her on TV, Wanna Be Famous Slight Porn Star Chick is doing something calculated to make her even more famous. From faking her interest in people in crisis (on her low level cable network show), to “news events” around her “stolen” porn pictures, porn tape, lost dog, wonky eye, acting skills… it’s all a bit much to him to start feeling sorry for all the press she’s getting now.

He’s a simple guy. Sometimes she looks hot. Other times (like the tapes her her using the N word), she’s the most vile creature on earth. He tends to avoid watching or reading things about her because he doesn’t forget the facts. Plus, in his heart, he does wish he could be famous like she is — for simply showing up.

He thinks that unlike other celebrities, her tombstone will read: “Wanna Be Famous Slight Porn Star Chick — She Showed Up.”

It won’t carry on about her great (?) acting skills, her beauty (??) or her ability to be a British Princess Who Died level humanitarian (hey, she did give a homeless guy a sandwich on a TV show once and commented on his hotness), it will show off her one talent — she’s there. In front of a camera and getting more press for herself.

Third Person Guy frowns.

As people debate the whole issue of her jail time, he thinks to himself that this is probably all another ploy to make her more of a “star.”

That makes him sad.

He wonders if this is reflective of the world we live in and if pseudo-celebrities and pseudo-events like this will be recorded in history as the “great” events that they seem to be at the time.

Is this more important to the world than the holocaust, the War overseas, or the price of gas?

He sighs, turns off the TV and shakes his head.

He opens his door, takes a large breath of country air, feels the sunshine on his skin and goes on to take a much needed break from “reality” by sitting in the sun for a while.

Maybe that’s the reality the world needs right now.

Third Person Guy mouthed the words as he read them, “Someday you’ll find the right girl for you. I’m sorry, but I’ve …” as they trailed off into the usual blur while his heart broke again.

He scratches his head and wonders what he did wrong this time. The “it’s not you, it’s me” line obviously doesn’t apply as he’s in his mid-30’s and single and past the point of believing it’s someone else’s fault.

Break up letters in the internet age are no less hard than hearing it in person. They still hurt and make him wonder why he even turns on the computer to check mail. Call him old fashioned, but when a relationship ends, he’d always rather hear the voice and the emotions and the final goodbye in person. It’s easier, it’s final, there are no lingering questions left.

He ponders giving it up and entering the church. Then he remembers that most priests get more (albeit from underage alter kids) than he has in his lifetime. “Sorry,” he says to himself, “not even god can improve my sex life.”

He gets down. He probably shouldn’t. He had good times with the last Love of His Life Girl. The situation though, with great distance and other complications involved, had too much working against it to overcome. It hurts him to his core but he knows it was probably for the best.

For half a second he imagines himself doing the opening scene from the Really Bad Sequel to the Comedic British Spy movie. You know the one, spy’s wife is revealed to be a robot, she explodes, he celebrates freedom with a naked romp around the hotel they were staying at.

But really, no one wants to see that.

Third Person Guy wonders what’s next. Who’s next. Where life is going. Then stops himself after the headache hits. He fires up his Over Priced Video Game system and decides to escape for the rest of the day.

His adventures in that, at least, he can control.

Third Person Guy thinks that Little Australian Girl Who Lost Her Father is the latest incarnation of the Devil.

That’s right, all that’s unholy.

It took him a while to come up with this, of course, he’s not really known for his radical thinking. He’s not much known for anything, for that matter, but this deep thought is something that stuck.

After her father’s death, Little Australian Girl Who Lost Her Father was kind of cute. She was there, almost poised to go waaaaay too soon for someone that young, ready to replace him with a moment’s notice. It was touching, charming even, but now…

Nearly a year later she’s on every TV show. She has her own specials, she has her own books, they’re pushing her to replace her father when she’s not even old enough to know about the animals she speaks of. Someone seems to be getting very rich off of reminding us of our guilt over her father’s death.

So why does he think she is the Devil?

Simple.

She appeared on one of those Morning Shows That Should Have Been Canceled Years Ago. Lame Interviewer Who Transfered From Lamer Woman’s Talk Show asked Little Australian Girl Who Lost Her Father if they could spend a few minutes talking of things without relating them to her father’s death.

Little Australian Girl Who Lost Her Father’s face contorts. Her skin glows red. Horns can be seen growing out of the sides of her head. Death rays are ready to destroy Lame Interviewer Who Transfered From Lamer Woman’s Talk Show, the Legions of Hell are ready to spill out of a crack in reality right there on the set, DOOM! DOOM! DOOM for all and… she catches herself. She dodges the question and she goes on with the interview, reminding us all of our guilt over her father’s very public death, to watch her show, and, most importantly, to buy her products.

For that act, he’s seen the truth: she’s more evil than Twin Demon Child Stars Who Get Drunk, Starve Themselves, Party & Smoke But Thankfully Haven’t Reproduced Yet.

Now he’s afraid for his life as he knows the truth.

And so should you.