I’m heading back to bed in a minute. It’s noon on a Monday. I’m off most of the day and I really really really (did I mention really) am not up to facing the week. Christmas was good, a lot better than I expected. It provided a distraction from everything that’s been on my mind lately and I really didn’t want it to end. But it did and it’s Monday and even in my dreams I’m troubled by the past week.
Things just don’t make sense and my dreams lately are trying to fill in the gaps of not knowing the truth. I know it sounds like I’ve been through some sort of traumatic event I’m not sharing, and maybe I have, but it was much more of the b.s. that dotted this year. It just hits like a train wreck and hurts like a shark bite. I can’t make sense of it and you know that when I can’t trust escaping into my dreams that there’s a problem.
I’m obviously questioning everything. Trying not to fill in the blanks until I know the truth but silence is not one sided here. I didn’t cause the problem, I didn’t set the situation in motion and I am not at fault here. What happens next is squarely up to the other side and so far, nothing has been seen to make the first move.
There have been two times in my life where I’ve been tempted to shut everything down, shut up, and just walk away. Find a job in the “real” world and stop bothering with everything and everyone I know online. The first was over a decade ago when a good friend betrayed me, the second, this summer when I found out about things that I really didn’t like that led to the situation I’m in now. I’m not sure why I stayed either time. Maybe I’m just afraid of change, maybe I want to see how things end and maybe, just maybe I’m better than this situation and I know it’s going to work out.
So far though, my dreams are 0 for 3.
Time to see what they hold for this afternoon’s nap.
Jim