So I had a dream I was on a show called ‘the Stupidest Show Ever’ with your host David Spade. I was a sidekick. The premise of the show was that we’d be approached by people with really dumb stories who were seeking help and then check to see if the stories held up or if the people were nuts.
The first half of the dream was all about putting the show together and proving to the network (probably Discovery), that we could do the show. It involved making fun of a lot of Internet nerds, all of whom thought they were dating the same woman “over the Internet.” Instead it was another of their friends playing a gag on them and raking in expensive gifts and paypal.com “donations.” We exposed that. The show got picked up.
Our second case was of an Asian couple who inherited a large mansion over looking the sea. Every night the lights would go out in the house and the spirits would come in and terrorize the couple, groping the wife and threatening to do horrible things to them should they not leave the house. At the same time the bank wanted the property because a mortgage payment was due. The husband was all freaked out because he couldn’t concentrate on making money and was going to lose his job if he didn’t get some rest and soon. He was determined to stay.
The way the show was set up it was Just me, David and a security guy with night vision goggle camera units. No big vans, no production units, the footage would come from cameras set up all over the house and whatever we could capture on our night vision cameras. If the ghosts were going to appear, the network didn’t want to “spoil” the natural state of the house by having too many people there.
We get there and David, who feels this show is a joke, starts getting loaded on wine. We meet the couple. They explain their situation. David makes comments that the wife is hot, which she is, and then she looks out the window and shrieks. We look and it looks like there are ghostly figures walking on the waves down on the water (the water was some 500 yards from the house). I immediately look and they look familiar (as they look like the characters from a Rob Zombie movie) but I don’t say anything.
The wife says that when they see the “pirates” on the water, things will start happening soon. That’s when I start roaming the house for signs of a haunting. Our security guy is backing me up, leaving David with the couple at all times. About an hour later the lights go out. For some reason the way the house is set up, when the lights go out, it’s pitch black. You can’t see anything at all with normal light. We hear screams and “demonic voices” from where the couple is so we go tearing into the living room area.
What I see with the night vision is three rednecks. Two really big guys and one skinny guy. It looks like they’re armed with shanks. They’re pretty nimble as they make their way around screaming at the couple to get out and one is feeling the wife up. She screams but doesn’t run. David is trying to talk to the “spirits” since he didn’t get his goggles on in time before the power went out.
The spirits demand that the couple leave the house and claim that since the couple brought intruders into the house, a sacrifice must be made. So the one who groped the wife starts to drag her into the bedroom. The husband is freaking out but he feels hands on his shoulder keeping him in his chair. David is trying to talk sense into “the spirits.”
He gets the wife’s spirit captor to stay for a minute and he talks about other places the spirits can go. How this house really doesn’t have a meaning to them. Somehow he convinces the spirits that haunting is dumb and that they should probably get out of the house tonight without any sort of sacrifice. He was at the top of his game with venom dripping put downs and insults. The spirits didn’t like this, but released the wife and start to leave.
That’s when the security guy and I sneak fully into the room. The two big guys start down the stairs. The security guy and I “accidentally” run into the third guy. There’s a crash, the lights come back on and we’re holding down some skeevy redneck. We were about to beat the living crap out of him and call the cops when the wife yells out “NO, I love him!”
That’s when the whole plot by the wife unravels, David says some little speech about Scooby Doo plots and I wake up.
So scared.
k9