I am currently 40 pounds heavier than I was when I was killing myself working two jobs. For years, I had been a stable weight but as soon as I quit the going outside of the house and standing for eight hours at a time job, I ballooned up. That started back in 2007 and in 2012 I maintain that weight through inactivity, irregular sleeping patterns and stress, yes, stress, more than anything else.
My eating patterns have actually improved over the years. I’m not eating cookies as a meal. I’m not going to McDonalds or Burger King or what have you. Yes, I still eat that type of food, but I’m not seeking it out on a daily basis like I used to do. In my last blog I wrote about the vow that I made last year to go a full year without actively seeing out Burger King and the like and I’m still on that kick, I just haven’t lost any weight from it.
Part of it is that this house is a candy trap. There’s candy and cookies literally everywhere I turn. It isn’t my doing, it’s my mom’s nature to have little snacks everywhere. She’s always done this. So in her parts of the house (i.e. anywhere but my office and bedroom and the bathrooms), there’s snacks either on display in cookie jars or just out for anyone to have. You don’t even realize you’re eating most of the time, you just reach for something as you’re running out the door to take the dog out or what have you. But I can’t really blame the food, I have to blame myself for taking the food.
I’m also bad with the fridge. Somewhere along the line I put in a handy little wire device that holds 12 sodas and automatically advances the next cold one to the front using gravity. It’s a fantastic thing to always have a cold soda. The downside is that the thing takes up so much room that when I’ve cut back on soda, there’s no room for the alternatives so I end up reaching for a soda anyway because it’s the only thing that’s there.
Sleep is an issue. I’m only sleeping 2 or 3 hours at a time and most of that time is with the lights on so I don’t fully sleep. I’m not sure when it started but life is a series of naps and I can’t even stay in my bedroom for more than a few hours without the need to get up and find out what’s going on in the world. I can’t blame all of this on scheduling from work. While my scheduling is challenging, it’s up to me to fit sleep into my life. I do have chunks where I can sleep more, but it means sleeping more during the day and missing friends and family who are online.
That leads to stress. I’ve got too much on my mind lately. I don’t have an outlet where I can just relax and give up. No drugs or alcohol here because I know that both are not manageable. Popping a pill for anxieties wouldn’t help (if I had any) because again, I’d abuse them. I know myself too well. There has to be an outlet or a change because Dad going away to the VA hospital (and his pending return home) only worked for about a month to cut my stress levels.
Let’s face it. I’m in my 40’s. I’m fat. I’m miserable. I’m stressed. I don’t sleep and I’m alone. This isn’t the dream life I wanted when I was 15. So I either do something now or I’ll either be dead long before I reach them or stagnant when I’m in my 50s.
I take full responsibility for getting myself into this mess.
I gotta do something about it.
And that’s all I’m going to say.
Soda device is retired. I fit six bottled waters, four ice teas and 2 cokes in its place.
It’s a start.
Jim