Went out into the real world today. Finished the wood pile first thing this morning. Then went to work for three hours, turned in my time sheet and got in the car and went out. You know, there. The world of man or woman or whatever they’re calling it this week.
So I went to Toys R Us first. Keep forgetting that Saturday afternoons are a bad time to go. Too many kids, too many “families” with shopping carts. I couldn’t check out figures for my niece and, of course, they didn’t have the gamecube games I wanted to get her. Ended up getting her “Disney Soccer” and “Monsters Inc.” instead and I’ll make it up to her.
Drove next door to Circuit City. Scary place. Teenagers in their little Circuit City outfits on every row. One looked like Natalie Portman but I didn’t notice until I had side stepped them all, checked out the Xbox games then took the back row by the computer software since none of the little smiling faces bothered to go back there. Looped around and got the CD I was looking for (Dido “Life for Rent”) then picked up a couple of DVDs for myself and a Star Trek movie for one of my volunteers whose husband is in the hospital.
Right now watching “Grosse Point Blank.” Great movie. John Cusak as a professional killer who, on the advice of his therapist, goes home to his ten year high school anniversary. Of course there’s a girl involved. The girl. Minnie Driver in probably her best role ever. He stood her up on prom night 10 years earlier. Completely vanishing into the mists on the way to pick her up.
I haven’t gone to my reunions. I think it’s been 15 years this year. I’m not going. Haven’t talked to anyone from high school in about 13 years. I put my little profile on the high school web site but there’s no way in hell anyone remembers me since I was rarely there anyway. I’m not haunted or anything by those years, I think they were the worst of my life, my dad was bad then. Bad enough for me to skip everything, proms, dances, graduation.
Wish there was a girl like in this movie to think of and dream about, but there isn’t. I gave up on my ghosts last year during the emotional double whammy that was the summer. I’m free of ghosts, free of entanglements and I’m actually at peace for once.
Had a ghost come back the other week. Popped in, dumped “I’m sorry for hurting you … I’ve been wanting to say that for a long time … can we be friends?” on my lap. Wasn’t prepared for it. I mean I was over that person, long ago, accepted the guilt and the blame for things not working out and didn’t think back, didn’t linger. Then it shows up, right in my face and I realize that there’s no way in hell this person is really sincere. I got angry.
Women become couples. Women become dependent. When the man (or woman or what have you) isn’t there, they’re someone else … but as soon as they are back with their lovey dovey whatever they go back to being “the couple” and there’s no room for anyone else.
I didn’t say anything in an angry tone. Said “we never stopped being friends” then excused myself and signed out.
Killed a lot of people in WWE Raw 2 for Xbox that night.
As expected, the love or what have you came back and she hasn’t said a word to me since.
Typical.
I wish I could get haunted again. But then again, I’m good. I’m okay. I mean, let’s face it, when you spend all your time mooning over something that didn’t happen or something that didn’t work out you get kind of pathetic. I’m in a good way now. I’m at a point in my life where I should be moving forward. I may spend my nights alone, I may long for an active social life, but I’ve accepted who I am, I’ve accepted what life is and I’m here.
Now where I go from here … stay tuned.
k9