THE RING REPORT TV UPDATE, VOL. 1, NO. 9 5/2/93
(the wrestling report for people who have lives)
WCW MAIN EVENT 4/25
MICHAEL HAYES picking fans off the beach to admit on national TV that they watch the show on a regular basis. Somewhere along the line Hayes decided to edit himself into a beach volleyball tournament . . . Sigh. Michael should go back to wrestling . . .
WHAT YOU MISSED: RON SIMMONS defeated STEVEN CASEY . . . THE COLE TWINS defeated BOB “THE HUMAN BRUISE” COOK & MIKE “THE GOD OF THE THUNDER WINDS” THOR . . . a SLAMBOREE UPDATE; names added to the guest list: WAHOO MCDANIELS, BARON VON RASHKE, HARLEY RACE, JOHN TOLOS, and MAD DOG VACHON . . . a review of the CACTUS JACK vs. BIG VAN VADER from WCW SATURDAY NIGHT . . . ARN ANDERSON defeated SHANGHAI PIERCE when TEX SLAZENGER attacked Anderson; ERIK WATTS made the save . . .
WCW POWER HOUR 5/1
“Ouch” is the word of the week as co-host LARRY ZYBSZKO finally had enough of ERIC “DON’T CALL ME HUMAN” BISHOV’s ever changing voice and put him in a headlock! LARRY! LARRY! LARRY FOR WCW PRESIDENT! He’d clear the sport of the likes of VINCE “THE FAMILY MAN” MCMAHON & JACK “SHEMP” TUNNEY! BISHOV would be cleaning toilets! AND we’d never have to see another “FLAIR FOR THE GOLD” segment again! I can DREAM, can’t I?
WHAT YOU MISSED: MAY PAYNE crushed HARTFORD HART . . . and a surprise, a specially giant extremely great surprise for all of you . . . are you listening? . . . I don’t think you deserve this . . . you really want to know? . . . okay, we say a REPLAY of PAYNE’s MUSIC VIDEO! . . . SCOTT NORTON destroyed TC MCCOY . . . MIKE THOR & CHRIS “HAPPY FEET” SULLIVAN lost to TOO COLD SCORPIO & MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL . . . RICK RUDE destroyed ASH MASTERS . . . a SLAMBOREE CONTROL CENTER; news: STING will face an opponent to be named later . . . BAGWELL & SCORPIO will face BOBBY EATON & CHRIS BENOIT . . . in a STEEL CAGE: THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDES will defend their titles vs. RICKY STEAMBOAT & SHANE DOUGLAS . . . NEW GUESTS: NICK BOCKWINKLE, GREG GAGNE, JIM BRUNZEL, & VERNE GAGNE. . . THE RUDE DOG & RAINBOW BROWN lost to BIG SKY & VINNIE VEGAS . . . ARN ANDERSON defeated TERRY TRAVIS . . . TEDDY LONG reviewed the CACTUS JACK/BIG VAN VADER incident . . . JOHNNY B. “I’M SO PRETTY I COULD DATE ERIC BISHOV” BADD defeated BRIAN HARKRIDER . . .
WWF MANIA 5/1
WHAT YOU MISSED: an UPDATE on TATONKA . . . CRUSH vs. LEX LUGER from MONDAY NIGHT RAW . . . an essay by JASMINE MCNEIL on drug abuse . . . THE STEINERS defeated RINO RIGGINS & BILLY JONES . . . LUNA appeared and ran around screaming at TODD “CANNON FODDER” PETTINGIL . . . MR.HUGHES defeated JASON KNIGHT . . . a replay of THE SMOKING GUNS segment . . . a replay of a fan’s MARRIAGE PROPOSAL to his girlfriend from MONDAY NIGHT RAW . . .
WCW SATURDAY NIGHT 5/1
Definitely an exciting show, maybe not a great show, but an exciting show! Did anyone notice that BLACKJACK MULLIGAN & THE MASKED ASSASSIN showed more charisma & excitement than any four of the WCW-bred stars of recent days? I think that everyone in WCW, except STING (of course), should go back to wrestling school and learn how to do “OLD TIME” interviews . . .
WHAT YOU MISSED: THE BLACKHARTS premiered and defeated MIKE “I WISH I COULD WRESTLE IN A MASK” WINNER and a man too embarrassed to leave his name . . . JIM NIEDHART & THE JUNKYARD DOG destroyed THE 70’s CONNECTION of CHICK DONOVAN & RIP ROGERS . . . in that match NIEDHART put out Donovan with a COBRA CLUTCH . . . a SLAMBOREE CONTROL CENTER; no new information . . . THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDES defeated THE ITALIAN STALLION & REX COOPER . . . an update on CACTUS JACK as TONY SCHIVANTE interviewed the WCW athletic trainer . . . CACTUS will be out for an undetermined period of time . . .SCOTT NORTON destroyed TOM “DOINK WITHOUT THE MAKE UP” ZENK . . . NORTON did an interview which was interrupted by ROBERT FULLER, who now claims to be COL. ROBERT PARKER . . . “PARKER” will promote “the biggest star of all time,” who might be announced next week . . . BARRY WINDHAM defeated PEZ WHATLEY . . . WINDHAM did the sign of THE FOUR HORSEMEN then quickly held up one finger, saying “ALL FOR ONE, NOT ONE FOR FOUR” . . . THE MASKED ASSASSIN, AKA WRESTLING’S OWN HANNIBAL LECTOR, did a SLAMBOREE MOMENT . . . the first “A FLAIR FOR THE GOLD” segment; I won’t comment . . . BLACKJACK MULLIGAN replaced JESSIE VENTURA as color commentator as Jessie claimed to have to go shot a scene for his new movie . . . a quick flash to the dressing room showed DUSTY RHODES helping DUSTIN RHODES get ready to return to the ring from a shoulder injury . . . THE COLE TWINS & TOO COLD SCORPIO & MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL lost to THE WRECKING CREW & TEX SLAZENGER & SHANGHAI PIERCE when one of the Coles used a bull rope on Slazenger . . . PAUL ORNDORFF defeated RON SIMMONS in a 15 minute time-limit match for the WCW WORLD TV BELT when the ref. caught Simmons using a pair of brass knuckles that Orndorff brought into the ring . . . during the match a quick flash to Dustin Rhodes dressing room revealed that the table was knocked over and both Rhodes had disappeared . . . DUSTIN was set to wrestle a prelim match but didn’t come out; RICK RUDE crashed things and said that Rhodes had a mishap . . . within a minute Dustin appeared and the two brawled in the ring . . .
WCW WORLD WIDE WRESTLING 5/2
WHAT YOU MISSED: STING defeated PAT ROSE . . . BOBBY EATON & CHRIS BENOIT defeated MIKE WINNER & JOEY MAGGS . . . a SLAMBOREE CONTROL CENTER . . . THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDES defeated TOMMY ANGEL & THE UNKNOWN PRELIM . . .a replay of “A FLAIR FOR THE GOLD” . . . IN THE COMPUTERIZED CHALLENGE MATCH: PAUL “NO RESPECT” ORNDORFF needed to use the ropes for leverage to help pin SHANE DOUGLAS . . .
WWF SUPERSTARS 5/2
WHAT YOU MISSED: They opened with an interview with THE UNDERTAKER . . . THE HEAD SHRINKERS over THE MYSTERY PRELIM’S OTHER BROTHER & BOB YOUNG . . . another segment with BILLY & BART, THE SMOKING GUNS . . . VIRGIL (surprisingly) defeated THE WHITE SHADOW . . . an update on THE KING OF THE RING; news: THAT HH GUY will defend his WWF WORLD TITLE to YOKOZUNA in the main event . . . BRET HART is the top seed in the KING OF THE RING TOURNEY . . . in a qualifying match for the King of the RING: CURT HENNIG and DOINK wrestled to a time limit draw . . . an update on TATONKA . . . TYPHOON defeated THE BROTHER OF THE MYSTERY PRELIM’S GIRLFRIEND’S COUSIN’S UNCLE BUD . . . The younger brother of the above prelim. was knocked out by LEX LUGER when he tried to use Luger’s mirror . . .
WWF ALL AMERICAN WRESTLING 5/2
WHAT YOU MISSED: a replay of DOINK vs. CURT HENNIG from WWF SUPERSTARS . . . this week’s blue screen footage came from Louisville, Kentucky . . . an update on TATONKA . . . a WWF FAN CLUB promo . . . a replay of a recent MONEY INC. prelim match . . . a replay of THE UNDERTAKER interview from WWF SUPERSTARS . . . THE STEINER BROTHERS defeated RINO RIGGINS & BILLY JONES . . . a replay of a recent MR. HUGHES prelim match . .. GENE OCKERLAND announced THE SMOKING GUNS as “THE GUN BROTHERS” before a replay of their promo . . . a replay from WRESTLING CHALLENGE: LEX LUGER defeated BOB BACKLAND by countout in a qualifying match for THE KING OF THE RING . . .
RUMORS FROM OTHER SOURCES
Are you ready for LUNA VACHON vs. SHERRI MARTEL? It’s been signed for an upcoming HERSHEY PARK card . . . THE SMOKING GUNS have been featured as FAN FAVORITES in recent matches against THE HEAD SHRINKERS . .. LOU ALBANO may be returning to the WWF in the next few weeks . . . a dream of mine reportedly came true in SMOKY MOUNTAIN WRESTLING this week as THE HEAVENLY BODIES tarred and feathered RICKY MORTON . . . ROBERT GIBSON is out with an ankle injury . . . REX KING & STEVE DOLL, now know as SIMPLY DIVINE, recently defeated THE MOONDOGS for the USWA Tag Team Titles . . . STEVE KIERN & MATT BORNE seem to be trading the DOINK role every other night . . . Rumor has it that MONEY INC. will defend their WWF WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES agaisnt THE STEINER BROTHERS at THE KING OF THE RING pay-per-view . .. and, finally, KOKO B. WARE has returned to the USWA as a bad guy . . .
NOTES FROM THE MAD DOG
Not much for me to report on this week except that if you’re anywhere near South Central PA, especially in the DILLSBURG area, START DRIVING ON THE SIDEWALKS because I’M ON THE ROAD! Yes, this 22 yr. old pseudo-journalist finally broke down and got that driver’s license this week! If things keep up the way they have been going I might have to have IAN take over this report because I’ll be out there HAVING A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEK,
MADDOGJMF
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