[The Ring Report 2 was a spin-off of the Ring Report TV Update and could be found on CompuServe, Prodigy, Rec.Sport.Pro.Wrestling and the Grandstand Wrestling Forum on AOL. Presented “as is” in original format.]
Ring Report II Vol. I Ed. II
Well…Another two, somewhat exciting, two weeks in the world of wrestling have passed and here I am again, sitting at my computer, typing away. This week we have some NEW ATTRACTIONS! These include:
-Correct Spelling!
-An article about Lex Luger and the WWF.
-And more TRIVIA!
I hope you enjoy it and remember if you want to rail me about how bad this publication is, or you want to contribute to the Ring Report II, e-mail me at STEVESCOTT on AOL. I hope some people will help contribute, that is what keeps a newsletter like this going. Thanks for reading!
This is an article written by “Stunning” Steve Tiszenkel. It
is entitled:
WHY YOU SHOULD PITY LEX LUGER
I’ve been on AOL for quite a few months now, and I’ve heard some horrible, hideous things said about one Mr. Lex Luger, or Larry Pfohl, or whatever his real name is. But let’s take a moment to examine the WWF’s bitter relationship with Luger. Is he really their golden boy? Did they really think that he was the future of professional wrestling as we know it? I think not.
Here are the facts: WWF bigwigs can’t stand Luger. I don’t know why. That’s not the issue. Maybe they, all being disgruntled bodybuilders, envy his muscular bodice, or maybe they just didn’t like him with WCW. Either way, they hate him.
Evidence of this is not hard to find. Remember the beginning of Luger’s relationship with Vince and Co.? I can just see it now: Vinny calling Luger up personally, begging him to jump ship. The dialog would have went something like this:
VINCE: Larry! Baby! WCW is a sinking ship, man! Come play with the big boys over here at Titan! We’ll show ya the light!
LUGER: Isn’t this just another pathetic attempt to sabotage WCW by stealing away its champions while they still hold the belts?
VINCE: Did I mention your hefty salary?
LUGER: When do I start?
The answer, of course, to poor Lex’s question was: “In about a month, give or take a decade.” Yup, Vince, who actually thought Lex was going nowhere, wanted to sabotage WCW yet still keep Luger out. (Some WCW wrestlers he hated even more; can you say “Sting”?) Luger was kept on the shelf until further notice, never to be seen in wrestling garb. He was later vaulted into the WBF (World’s Biggest Foible), an official Titan organization that made one say, “Exactly what were they on when they dreamed this up?” You know, you can get real body building on ESPN without paying for Pay Per View, and the WBF’s best moments turned out to be:
- The exciting WWF heels vs. WBF Tug of War, and
- The exciting First Annual WBF Championship on (you guessed it) Pay Per View, which got 1000 orders, 998 of which were charged to some place in Connecticut. I’ll leave you to figure out who the other two were.
When Luger was finally, mercifully (mercifully?) was allowed to enter the WWF, Vince put him in the tired, old “I’m really arrogant and who needs you” role, before catapulting him into the far more exciting, tired, old “I love the USA and who needs you” role. This came out of another merciless torture the WWF forced on Luger, slamming Yokozuna on the deck of the USS Intrepid on the Fourth of July. And to think, Luger was actually allowed to keep a red, white, and blue Chevy truck! Wow! The only other colors he would have preferred were the traditional Chevy red and yellow.
Yes, the Huckster role.
SCENE: A gym. We see Lex Luger doing bicep curls and other exercises we can’t pronounce the names of; in addition, he is sweating a lot. (SPECIAL EFFECTS: Sweat) The camera pans in, and Luger gives it a menacing stare.
LEX LUGER: ICO PRO. You gotta want it.
FADE TO LOGO
And today, the beat goes on; the endless torture of Luger. He gets into the big matches, but heaven forbid he should win one of them! Instead, he wins by countout against Yokozuna and participates in groundless feuds with the likes of Crush. And of course, he plugs ICO PRO (Sold west of the Rockies as Steroids Lite). He’s never held a WWF belt, and he never will. Maybe, maybe, when all is said and done (read: Vince is serving 10-25) Lex Luger will finally get his fair share. And then again, maybe not.
But you gotta want it.
* THIS WEEK IN TRIVIA ***
1) Name the only WWF tag team to hold the titles as heels and faces. (1985-94)
2) Who used to be the WWF Superstars commentators?
3) What was the name of RAW before it was RAW?
4) What is Jimmy Hart’s real name?
5) What was HH’s first role? (as a heel)
6) How did BAM BAM select his manager in his first WWF stint?
*7) As which personalities did the Undertaker wrestle in earlier years, before he was the Undertaker? Is he actually wrestling now under another name? If so, which one?
- This question was submitted by Wolfgang K. Hofmann on CSERVE. He has not informed me of the answers to the questions, but I think I know them. The second part, I don’t know the answer to. Do you?
Well, I have finals to study for now, but I hope you enjoyed the latest edition of the Ring Report II. Special thanks go out to Wolfgang and Stunning Steve for their contributions. If you are at all interested in getting involved, go for it. Give me a ring. I hope to make this a fixture for on-line wrestling info. Each week from now on I will feature one or more articles from you, the readers. If you have any unconfirmed rumors, send ’em my way. I’ll dig up what I can. All I can do now is stick to the Ring Report tradition and say:
HAVE A GREAT WEEK!